I Battle Depression

I did not seek any professional help if what am dealing for awhile now is depression or not. However, I do feel like some of the symptoms matches with one of the different types of depression that I have read online.

To me, this 'thing', I have gone through a few years back, I got it over now. However, recently especially last year, this feeling is back but with a different reason.The old feeling is still the same but is coming back every now and then. I cannot explain the details since a lot had happened in the past. Furthermore, what is happening recently, makes it worst...things just kept piling up and it is starting to feel it is too much to handle already.

I feel so angry, heavy, tired, disappointed, anything that all the negative feelings you could describe while am going through with it. I feel like I am really lost and down almost everyday. I like to think I do not want to live anymore....in fact, at times whenever am on a higher floor, I tend to look down and imagine myself jumping to the ground. The are times when I am slicing a vegetable, I tend to stare at the knife and tried to point it in my wrist or in my chest. Although, fortunately, I often managed to make myself snap back to reality and put away the knife.

At times, I regret living, too. It feels like bad things and hard days keep coming one day after another.
Easily I get angry, irritated, and get hurt over simple things. I am extremely getting sensitive each day and because of that, I hurt people unknowingly.
Whenever someone gives me an advice, no matter how hard I try to control myself and think positively, it always end up for me as a negative remark, even though they all just want to try to help.
And every single time, a person tells me: "I am here for you", I don't really believe them as most people are only 'curious' of what is happening around rather than being really concerned about it. Rarely you will have those 'genuine concerned people' you will meet nowadays. Often, I would doubt people who says comforting words because I am afraid they are just being passive and it is hard to trust people nowadays.

I used to be a jolly and an optimistic person. The people told me I have changed. It is hard to deal with these kind of stuff to be honest as most of the times, I don't know what to do.

It may sound that I am lonely, you can say that is. However, lonely or not, I would still feel the same... this devastating feeling of being worst, the burdens and the feeling of heaviness, . . .

It is making me paralyzed...both my heart and my soul.