I Battle Depression and Anxiety

I know that this is already cliché, but I just felt like confessing that I feel terrible. My depression took a sudden escalation to suicidal thoughts and cutting after almost a year clean. And apparently I'm already addicted to my anxiolytics, even though I've only been taking them for a month and a half and in the smallest doses. Yesterday evening I tried not taking my sleeping pill and took me 3 hours to fall asleep after eventually taking my pill. And I've only had like 4 and a half hours of sleep and I feel like shit. I wonder how I was able to go through this every day for almost a year. I'm done.