I Battle Depression
Well I've felt this way for many years now.... First off I was bullied tremendously in middle school. I remember a couple of the boys who bullied me had crushes on me, ( as if I wouldn't know...) but since I was the class nerd they didn't bother to tell me as they were embarrassed. But eventually I found my outlet in 8th grade right before high school. Music. Metal to be exact.
I started off with punk rock and got into metal when I first started high school. I was black metal head (I'm not ashamed.) and I was proud of it. High School was he first time I had friends who didn't bother me or pick on me. I was still bullied and it made me feel even more depressed but I had true friends to back me up now. In my heart I was happy but I couldn't wait to start college. I wanted a boyfriend and I couldn't wait to find someone who liked me for me especially since no one at that school wanted to date me because apparently in the minds of a lot of people; having an upbeat personality makes you weird and annoying.
When I got to College I met to girls who meant the world to me. Now THEY were the two most true friends I've ever had, but I lost them over a boy. A boy who I was completely head of heels for. I started closing up and acting out because I was depressed that I couldn't have him and I didn't know how to talk to boys. (Read my "I Lost my Best Friend story to learn more about that...) They couldn't handle my sadness anymore and I ended up embarrassing one of them so they left me. However they didn't bully me or gossip badly about me so I am greatful. Till this day I still think about that boy. (I'm acting like I'm 1,000 years old, I'm only 22...) but it was 5 years ago when I first started college so it has been a long time.
One of the core reasons I was depressed was because I had no first kiss. No boyfriend. Well when I turned 21 I had my first everything. (Still a virgin guys!) and I had accomplished some of what I was curious about! The relationship ended because I wouldn't have sex with him but it doesn't matter. I was losing interest for different reasons. He's with another girl now and I'm sure he's lost his virginity. I sometimes wonder if he felt it was worth it. Does he think he would have been better off with me? Anyways that's getting into side notes because it doesn't bother me anyway. So as an extra point I'm not very fond of kissing... I think it's gross lmao I beat my but over not having a kiss for years and now I can't stand it! Maybe I was kissing the wrong person? Who knows. Pecks and closed mouth are fine, anything else, nah. There, that's my funny part of this story lol.
So although I've had countless suicide attempts and a very depressed life I guess there's always a brighter side. I mean my faith in God isn't what it used to be but I actually find it easier as I don't have anyone to blame. Maybe one day in life I'll gain a surprise or something magical to help me start loving life again.
[/b]
I started off with punk rock and got into metal when I first started high school. I was black metal head (I'm not ashamed.) and I was proud of it. High School was he first time I had friends who didn't bother me or pick on me. I was still bullied and it made me feel even more depressed but I had true friends to back me up now. In my heart I was happy but I couldn't wait to start college. I wanted a boyfriend and I couldn't wait to find someone who liked me for me especially since no one at that school wanted to date me because apparently in the minds of a lot of people; having an upbeat personality makes you weird and annoying.
When I got to College I met to girls who meant the world to me. Now THEY were the two most true friends I've ever had, but I lost them over a boy. A boy who I was completely head of heels for. I started closing up and acting out because I was depressed that I couldn't have him and I didn't know how to talk to boys. (Read my "I Lost my Best Friend story to learn more about that...) They couldn't handle my sadness anymore and I ended up embarrassing one of them so they left me. However they didn't bully me or gossip badly about me so I am greatful. Till this day I still think about that boy. (I'm acting like I'm 1,000 years old, I'm only 22...) but it was 5 years ago when I first started college so it has been a long time.
One of the core reasons I was depressed was because I had no first kiss. No boyfriend. Well when I turned 21 I had my first everything. (Still a virgin guys!) and I had accomplished some of what I was curious about! The relationship ended because I wouldn't have sex with him but it doesn't matter. I was losing interest for different reasons. He's with another girl now and I'm sure he's lost his virginity. I sometimes wonder if he felt it was worth it. Does he think he would have been better off with me? Anyways that's getting into side notes because it doesn't bother me anyway. So as an extra point I'm not very fond of kissing... I think it's gross lmao I beat my but over not having a kiss for years and now I can't stand it! Maybe I was kissing the wrong person? Who knows. Pecks and closed mouth are fine, anything else, nah. There, that's my funny part of this story lol.
So although I've had countless suicide attempts and a very depressed life I guess there's always a brighter side. I mean my faith in God isn't what it used to be but I actually find it easier as I don't have anyone to blame. Maybe one day in life I'll gain a surprise or something magical to help me start loving life again.
[/b]
26-30, F
