I Battle Depression

Hi me again back on here not know what to do unable to sleep again i don't know why i even try anymore i am honestly dead inside all i feel is sadness i can't remember when i truly felt happy if there was even a time when i did i cant do this much long i have been trying to change things the last few years but not works i just end up back here no matter what i do i think i am reaching my limit again but this time is different last time was a few years ago i had nobody was all alone no real friends just random people i would game with online i was going to end it then have 1 last game online just to see if i meet someone who was different to the people i have met before someone who cared who genuinely cared about others back then i lost all hope in people i couldn't take it like now i just wanted it to end that was until met a friend in that game we chatted had a few more games after that he was in a bad place as well for his own reasons so we started talking not banter a real conversation and became best friends after i helped him out with his situation but i still felt the way i do now i made plans to end it and he knew somehow he just came out with it when i was about to go offline i was shocked didn't know what to say for a few minutes there was this awkward silence just both of us saying nothing for what seemed like hours but was only a few minutes he told me what he thought then asked me if he was rigth i simply said yes he got so angry with me started shouting at me because i was going to leave without talking to him first i tried telling him that talking wouldn't help but he would't listen eventually i gave in and told him some of what was going on somethings i couldn't talk about that had happened and still can't to this day i have gone over so many possibilities of what my future would be tried studying, got a job made some friends in real life but none of it helped i am still here only difference is now i know there is people who care about me who would be hurt if i was so i sit here on my pc debating whether it would more selfish for me to end it or for the people i care about wanting me to stay when i have felt this way for so long i feel like i am standing on a wire always in the middle unable to decide what to do whether to stay because they want me to or to go because i want to why fight anymore if nothing is going to help i am so dam tired and just want it to end i haven't been able to cry for a long time i think i have passed my limit of what i can bare and have just run out of tears i feel so trapped here wanting to go but not being able to maybe i'm just using them as an excuse i don't really know maybe i'm to much of a coward to end it maybe i am just scum who uses the people who care about him as an excuse just so i don't have to decide i don't know what to do i just don't know

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