5th day of journaling... and yes, it completely sounds that I'm in the phase of depression of my bp2. Damn. And also, now I know what I'm fearing..

A co worker today told me (unbeknownst to them) how the attendings (my superiors) noticed how different I am... how tired/unfocused/forgetting, I am. They are planning to give me a 03 days rest but she didn't want me to tell me until they're sure it is possible. The gesture is so sweet of them.

But you know what this whole thing made me think?

1- My low mood is getting noticed, and combined with the dark thoughts, I am 90% sure that I'm getting to that dreaded phase.

2- I am withdrawing more from people. I am actually making a huge effort to tell a few close friends how tired/low I feel. And I realized something...
I am afraid I won't be accepted by people if I'm depressed
Hence me hiding from everyone I know.
But I believe in reality: it is me who is not accepting of this phase.
I have impossible expectations of myself AND I do not accept a performance less than what I want from myself.

But this fear is crippling... I feel like I can't complain... I can't tell anyone... and that I'm disappointing people.

Now all I'm thinking of is to give up... and boy how painful it is to think so when you used to love your job everything.

3- I am so scared of 24h shifts now.
I used to handle them like a pro.
Now they scare the living shit out of me, same as I was depressed back then.

I am so scared to take medication... or see a psychiatrist (yet again!) who could be judgemental.

I am scared and worried and anxious and all I can do is talk here in SW in order to untangle the mess in my head before it is too late...

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OlderSometimesWiser · F

I get the fear, I get the anxiety but continuing to fight even trying the medication is of great concern. What would you tell a patient if they presented with all that you’ve described? You have an illness. As with so many other illnesses, there is every possibility that medication could help alleviate your pain and greatly improve the quality of your life.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN HAVING DEPRESSION! Would you ever judge/not accept a friend, family member, patient, even a stranger on the street for having a mental illness?

Whenever I read one of your posts, it makes me think of someone trying to hold back a mighty wave with their bare hands. So I sincerely hope you’ll soon stop torturing yourself and at least talk to a psychiatrist before it is indeed too late. You’re drowning. Please grab a life preserver.

Friendlyperson · 26-30, F

@OlderSometimesWiser
Thank you,
Your words really took me aback, especially the holding waves with your barehand analogy. This is really correct.

I talked to a friend, I told her I might be having depression and she was so supportive. She doesn't know of my bipolar but I asked what would be the right thing to take meds if I was having depression, she was so supportive indeed.

Now the last step is to find a trustworthy psychiatrist. I had experience with 03 or 04 they were so judgemental it broke my heart, good for me I was hypomanic when I went to them otherwise I'd feel awful a 100times more.

I am looking for good ones, and I am crossing my fingers 🤞

Friendlyperson · 26-30, F

@OlderSometimesWiser
Also, if a close friend or family was saying this I'd immediately encourage them to go see a doctor and I'll look with them for good doctors before it would be too late.
I'd be too nice and too gentle with them. I'd ask about them everyday and tell them positive things about them every other day... and I'm not exaggerating

But here I am, all I'm telling myself is I hate you and I wish you were over. 💔

OlderSometimesWiser · F

@Friendlyperson I get it dear lady. I also know you’re smart enough to realize that the “I hate yous” and the “I wish you were overs” are the depression talking. And depression LIES.

I’m just a stranger on the internet but still hope you’re able to feel my concern and support. I’ve lived depression so I understand much of what you’re experiencing. But you’ve got a whole lot of wonderful life ahead if you can just take some of your kindness and gentleness towards others and give it to yourself.

And part of that is seeking help. Lol….. sorry to break it to you doc, but it’s highly unlikely that you’re gonna be able to think your way out of this. Believe me, I’ve tried!

So don’t ever give up the fight! Being in the medical field I’m sure you’re aware that finding the right psychiatrist and the right meds involve patience and a great deal of trial and error. There’s so much about the workings of the brain that remain unknown.

I only get angry because mental illness is still stigmatized to the point where people who would think nothing of taking medication for a heart condition, diabetes, cancer, agonize over taking medication for an illness that is every bit as real and serious.

I’m just so glad that you’re seeking out a new psychiatrist. I’ll be rooting for you and look forward to hearing how you’re doing as this next part of your story unfolds, hopefully in a wonderful way. 🫂