I Battle Bipolar Disorder

Crazy? you don't know crazy until you live in my shoes. one minute turns into two and what am i balancing on my shoulders? the weight of the world. or at least it feels like it. wanting acceptance, wanting "normal" (whatever that is). normal is just a word but to me its a nagging pain in the back of my head, trying to find a place to settle itself but every time it finds a calm, quiet place to rest its head the crazy world flips its whole world upside down and i'm stuck again trying to fit among the living.
it's against them and me. there is no "we". just as the letters and meaning of the word Normal tries to find a place inside my understanding, i am trying to understand where my place is. i do not feel a part of their world, i am slipping through the cracks in society, a place dark and perfect for the crazy misfits. the ones who feel superior to life itself, they are the most misunderstood. are they crazy? no, they are geniuses even if the rest of society cannot fathom the sick repeating thoughts of their minds. kill or be killed, they act on their impulses, their instincts that the rest of us hide for fear of not fitting in. they are bold thoughts, very passionate. but people like me think them. violent thoughts tap into my conscience from my sub-conscience but the angel on my other shoulder screams at me "Don't do it!". and why does she scream not to give in? because it's wrong. because you'll regret it. maybe she's right but why can't i taste the sweet refreshing feeling of freedom and power? the feeling of being better than someone else, of being privileged and rich with power and having pure disgust for the rest of the world. why are these secret feelings looked down upon by the angel? ugh. sometimes i really hate her. sometimes i really wanna let go and blurt out my true thoughts of hatred and anger. would that really be all that bad? yes, little angel i know you think it would be. but why can't my head and anger lead my heart? why don't i speak my mind and tell people off like i want to?