I Live With A Spouse With Aspergers

I didn't know until later. He kept who he really was from me until after we got married.

I stay with him because I had an unstable childhood and I want my children to have better.

I'm aware that my co-dependent relationship that I had with my mother made me vulnerable to bad relationships.

am working on it

It's good that you recognize that you're vulnerable to bad relationships. What are you doing to change this vulnerability?

My own experience has been that virtually everyone shows who they are early in a relationship, but their prospective spouse may be too blinded by love or too in denial to see the red flags. I certainly know that there were red flags early on in my relationship with my refuser, but I was too naive and in love to recognize them. I don't think think that bad luck is why most people here ended up in and stayed in relationships with refusers. Just look at how many chose to have children with their intimacy-averse spouses, and now say they won't divorce because they don't want to hurt the children that they went out of their way to have.

My belief is that people who are healthier either would have avoided getting into a relationship with a refuser or would have gotten out relatively quickly.

very true. so far so good, the only thing I'm doing is awareness

How did you decide to have so many kids with your husband despite your marital problems? I'm curious about this since the kids seem to be your reasons for staying with him: You seem to have trapped yourself.

I had the kidz early on in my marriage. I didn't know I could have kidz cuz the doctors said I couldn't. And he hid who he really was before marriage. and by the time I woke up from my fog, i was in so deep I didn't know how to get out

The only thing that is unhealthy about this young woman is the society to which she was lead to believe in a happy marriage and family and therefore succumbed to marriage.
For now this very young woman is temporarily confined to the best circumstances she can currently afford in which to raise her 2 small children.
Go easy on this girl. She doesn't need a lecture from a born again Sex Kitten.

You do not owe anyone an explanation. Your situation is extremely common.

Bide your time. Play your cards close to your chest and keep your exit plan private yet, mindfully ever present.

You are doing your best to raise your children in a loving, stable environment.

You are a mother first and foremost.
There is nobility and integrity in your role as a consistent, caregiver (to 2 children one of them Autistic).

There is nothing naive or weak about being committed to ensuring that all your family's basic needs are met--as much as you are able to do so in your capacity as a wife and mother (presently healing from knee surgery).

Is it untenable? Does he beat you--leave you and the children without a heated home food and clothing?

Unless you are holding a lot of information back the answer is NO.

But, you do have concerns and you should be able to freely express your concerns without enduring confrontational, rigorous inquiries as to why you are still in your marriage.

Feel better, allow your knee to heal. Bide your time and strategize an exit plan you will begin to unfold within the not too distant future--but only when you feel you are ready to initiate your transition.

Most importantly know the law. Understand your rights. Do not do anything impulsive like leave your home because were you to do so the laws may not be in your favour.

Security is important. No matter what in a marriage assets, property and liabilities are 50/50.

Even if you have never worked outside the home, half of the property and assets are yours and in that sense many women treat marriage like a business or career at least until they are able to diversify and move on safely knowing their children's needs are met and will continue to be met.

Women have left their homes for legitimate reasons yet still been sued for abandonment.

Talk is cheap. Advice is cheaper.

You don't owe anyone but yourself and your children. For now your husband is a valuable resource, contributor and co-parent.

The marriage is less than ideal but the home is stable and his income is steady.

You know what you are doing.

You are allowed to question, rant, vent, speculate, dream-whatever you need to do to feel empowered, optimistic and meet every day as a mother with hope and love.

For now that is what is needed. Am I correct?

People had children with their spouses while they enjoyed intimacy in their marriages.

I think you are being extremely judgmental and presumptuous.

Stop comparing yourself or your circumstances.

You are also from another generation and do not understand the current pressures of young couples with a single income today.

People that were healthier? What about yourself or do you think that in the case of your own disastrous marriage it was simply, pure bad luck?

You don't know what these women are going through so stop trying to coerce them with your hard line ultimatums.

You are sexually active in a 6 month relationship with a guy you claim to date and now call your boyfriend.

At the age of between 60-65, you boast about dressing like a French Maid and then making out in a car.

Who is healthier, the young stay at home wife and mother, under 30, recovering from knee surgery, with a 9 and 10 year old (one of whom has Autism) or the 65 year old divorcee making out in a car with her boyfriend, compensating for wasted years as a frigid teenager saving herself for marriage then throwing her life away on a sexually indifferent dud husband?

Then to top it all off is now counselling young vulnerable women and making judgements about who is healthy and who is not based on the reported level of marital sexual satisfaction?

Are you educated or simply a know it all with the audacity to seize the moral high ground when it comes to self liberation of young women and men (with young children) in sexless marriages?

I understand these women. I empathize with what they are going through, trying to hold it all together with an unsupportive spouse and little children to raise.

It isn't about, "feeling bad for your kids so you stay in the marriage" it's about responsibility, survival and strategic planning for the children's education, emotional and physical well being and present & future security of the children and the adults responsible for raising and caring for these children.

So many kids? She has been married 10 years she has a 9 and a 10 year old. Evidentially there was intimacy in the first 2 years of marriage therefore 2 young children.

i know i don't want to be married to him for the rest of my life. not at all. I know that for a fact. I know i deserve better. that much is apparent. I know many men who wish they could have a wife like me. but he thinks i'm ungrateful and that I should be so lucky.

my husband has the upper hand. and he's been going behind my back to get more and more power with the kidz stuff so yeah.

i have to be on point. and get better at it.

thanx.

i'm not gonna hate on someone who has the freedom to be who they are, sex kitten and all. if your kidz are older and you can afford that I won't hate at all.

for right now its masterbation and porn for me lol. I have to express myself sexually in other ways to handle my stress. no hate over here.

but the circumstances are different. my kidz are like oversized toddlers lol. and in some ways getting harder and harder to handle in a world with expenses getting higher and higher. and the ability to get things for them and their disabilities are so hard. lists and lists. having to get on so many lists. so many laws and regulations for how and why to get things for your kidz.

its truly insane. i'm trying the best and I just have to have faith that one day I'll be free of him forever and can get myself back together.

Dont stay in the relationship cause of ur kids they wont appreciated. My daughter told me she wouldve preffered 4 me to end the marriage yrs ago then to be raise in such a cold & see both of her parents bickering & so muserable.. I was ur age when my problems started with my husband just 31yrs old now im 44 & geting a divirce, my only regret is not ending when i was in my 30's.. Get out of that unhealthy relationship

we don't really fight and even then not in front of the kidz

Stil kids no believe me they know.. My daughter told me mom i never saw u & dad kissing or hugging & u didnt sleep in the same room.. Kids know when ur not happy in a relationship. I stayed for them cause i wanted them to have a good home, stable & b raise with both parents. Now my boy is married & my daughter in college now i will start 2 finally be happy! Good luck & best wishes my friend