random thoughts or just over sharing again.
Not much of a purpose to this post, at least not ones I wish to explain completely.
Recently, I got an ultimatum to attend counseling due to my attempt to limit beer consumption - by switching to whiskey.
I have had a lot of issues relating to how much my body has not taken too kindly to abuse and mileage. Spending time under the black skies of the Middle East during Desert Storm took a bit of a toll as well as lack of sleep, depression and the effects of ice and gravity causing my spine to meet asphalt. Pain meds never helped with the fibromyalgia that developed after my spinal fusion surgery but alcohol does dull the roar of my nerves. A shot or two worked well but the problem is I tended to make sure the doses were well reinforced in keeping with my Irish heritage. it was amazing to see how much of that bottle of Jameson's could evaporate by next morning.
So, off to counseling I go, not my first go round with counseling, but probably a bit more productive than the last two in that I did actually find out something interesting. After mentioning how hard it has been for me to focus on work lately (honestly its been for decades) my therapist asked if I had had any testing done.
I took a few tests and found that I have a pretty decent case of ADHD – inattentive. Now I go back and forth quite a bit, relief to know that there is something behind that feeling most of my life that I was never quite right and being a bit irritated that it took fifty six years to find out what it was and what to do about it. Decades of having things to do and suddenly my brain is off taking inventory of floor tiles or having the unstoppable urge to throw out a movie quote in the middle of a work discussion. (I could do that, I don't even need a reason - bonus points to those who know the movie). If that were all it would be enough but there was loads more:
-if I meet someone, I am not going to remember their name. I just can't.
-I will make lists so I can remember things (such as names), and promptly forget where I put the list.
-in the words of Douglas Adams "I love deadlines, I love the wooshing sound they make as they pass by".
-I will be called cold and emotionless but it is just the opposite except the emotion is inside as I try to understand what to do with it.
-no one has ever successfully insulted or put me down more than I have done myself.
The drugs work pretty well for me and I am someone who hates taking pills. The noise and confusion in my head has quieted quite a bit (though I freely admit there is still a lot that is not perfect in my battered thought processes).
I wish this had been found earlier in my life. It has caused a lot of misery for myself and others. At times I could not regulate my own emotions and my brain would shutdown because it was too much to process. This became a recurring thing for me for decades. I could not make relationships as when I would feel too much, I would lock up to where I could not talk.
Take my word for it, most women do not like a guy who seems to stare at them without speaking. They see it as a psycho ready to strike, rather than a guy who is playing eight million possible catastrophic scenarios in his head at the same time while trying to find a way to say 'Hello' without it going wrong.
I rather think Doctor Strange wasn't using the time stone in Avengers Endgame, he was just having a strong bout of ADD.
Anyway, I was on this site a while back. Most of my writings here were dark and depressing since I still couldn't process things well. My own depression and the screaming roar of thoughts came out in not so nice bits of writing. I was a bit snippy and mean when I did not need to be so I will be trying to avoid that if I write much here.
If I reply to something and start to sound a bit obnoxious, go ahead and say so. It wont mean that I will stop being obnoxious but I will try to throttle back a bit.
Recently, I got an ultimatum to attend counseling due to my attempt to limit beer consumption - by switching to whiskey.
I have had a lot of issues relating to how much my body has not taken too kindly to abuse and mileage. Spending time under the black skies of the Middle East during Desert Storm took a bit of a toll as well as lack of sleep, depression and the effects of ice and gravity causing my spine to meet asphalt. Pain meds never helped with the fibromyalgia that developed after my spinal fusion surgery but alcohol does dull the roar of my nerves. A shot or two worked well but the problem is I tended to make sure the doses were well reinforced in keeping with my Irish heritage. it was amazing to see how much of that bottle of Jameson's could evaporate by next morning.
So, off to counseling I go, not my first go round with counseling, but probably a bit more productive than the last two in that I did actually find out something interesting. After mentioning how hard it has been for me to focus on work lately (honestly its been for decades) my therapist asked if I had had any testing done.
I took a few tests and found that I have a pretty decent case of ADHD – inattentive. Now I go back and forth quite a bit, relief to know that there is something behind that feeling most of my life that I was never quite right and being a bit irritated that it took fifty six years to find out what it was and what to do about it. Decades of having things to do and suddenly my brain is off taking inventory of floor tiles or having the unstoppable urge to throw out a movie quote in the middle of a work discussion. (I could do that, I don't even need a reason - bonus points to those who know the movie). If that were all it would be enough but there was loads more:
-if I meet someone, I am not going to remember their name. I just can't.
-I will make lists so I can remember things (such as names), and promptly forget where I put the list.
-in the words of Douglas Adams "I love deadlines, I love the wooshing sound they make as they pass by".
-I will be called cold and emotionless but it is just the opposite except the emotion is inside as I try to understand what to do with it.
-no one has ever successfully insulted or put me down more than I have done myself.
The drugs work pretty well for me and I am someone who hates taking pills. The noise and confusion in my head has quieted quite a bit (though I freely admit there is still a lot that is not perfect in my battered thought processes).
I wish this had been found earlier in my life. It has caused a lot of misery for myself and others. At times I could not regulate my own emotions and my brain would shutdown because it was too much to process. This became a recurring thing for me for decades. I could not make relationships as when I would feel too much, I would lock up to where I could not talk.
Take my word for it, most women do not like a guy who seems to stare at them without speaking. They see it as a psycho ready to strike, rather than a guy who is playing eight million possible catastrophic scenarios in his head at the same time while trying to find a way to say 'Hello' without it going wrong.
I rather think Doctor Strange wasn't using the time stone in Avengers Endgame, he was just having a strong bout of ADD.
Anyway, I was on this site a while back. Most of my writings here were dark and depressing since I still couldn't process things well. My own depression and the screaming roar of thoughts came out in not so nice bits of writing. I was a bit snippy and mean when I did not need to be so I will be trying to avoid that if I write much here.
If I reply to something and start to sound a bit obnoxious, go ahead and say so. It wont mean that I will stop being obnoxious but I will try to throttle back a bit.
56-60, M
