I have finally figured out what's wrong with me, to no avail 🙁

I'm like 95% sure I just have ADHD. I guess it became more apparent as mental health became a less stigmatised topic, yet I only recently realized that not everyone with ADHD is super hyper-active and that hyper-active can mean fiddling, standing up frequently, pacing, talking fast – I thought it meant constant running and screaming. I remember wondering, because I grew up with a kid who was said to have severe ADHD and he was kind of chill, even when he didn't take his medication. I had symptoms of the disorder since I was a child, and I think it might even have come up once, because I distinctively remember my mother once saying: "She can sit still and work on a drawing for 2 hours" in a defensive tone of voice, but I was born in 1992 when "women didn't have ADHD" lol. I was sent to psychologists, and even saw a few psychiatrists, throughout my entire childhood! I felt like I had some mysterious, undiagnosable illness which made we weird and unrelatable – I went through life thinking I was different from everyone else, and it's quite possibly all because I had one of the most common disorders ever... like, are you kidding me? I recently found out that untreated ADHD often leads to alcohol abuse, that could have been useful knowledge a decade ago! I literally only looked into it now because it's gotten worse, rather than better, with time. I spent my life thinking that I'll pull myself together and start doing the things I need to do every day. I'm in my 30'ies and I haven't been able to succeed at that yet. I start a projects, quit them, start other ones, and so the cycle continues infinitely. I'd sometimes stay on track for a month, but even then I'm not as productive as I think I could be. I had to think that it can't POSSIBLY be this difficult for everyone! 5 years ago I desperately decided to move to Ukraine, to my partner, because I felt so overwhelmed by my old life. Now I feel lost, I can't figure out how to focus on one thing, I can't just live normally. I think the alcohol abuse keeps making my ADHD symptoms worse, but I need it to calm down sometimes. Well, the sad thing is that now I live here, and the psychologist doesn't speak English well enough (and I don't speak Ukrainian well enough) to have a consultation. I think I finally know the problem, but there's no way for me to do anything about it. 😔

TL;DR I think I have ADHD, and I'm angry with everything I had to go through, to come to this realization first in my early 30'ies, due to the lack of medical research in women – and sad because now I'm in a situation where it's nearly impossible to actually get the issue sorted. 😕

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littlepuppywantanewlife · 31-35, M

Stop thinking about it. It's very normal. Don't stress yourself and I believe you are smart. Sometimes we just need extra and love and freedom 💕

SW-User

@littlepuppywantanewlife Thank you because I think you meant to encourage me, which I appreciate, but you can't solve a problem by not thinking about it. I don't want to give up on my life-style just because it's easier to pretend my problems don't exist.

SW-User

@SW-User I think he means don't stress yourself about it. That kind of stress can actually bring you more stress.

I'll put my words here about that to rest, I understand and relate. I have two siblings. Both have always been more successful and focused than me. It's not I don't try, even though I have a restless heart, more drawn to arts than them. I'd prefer to be the quiet rebellious spirit who is searching for meanings than a conventional path; coincidentally, they have children. They need their focus and to have some semblance of success, however you define, just to afford to be parents. I could always drift, find ways to make ends meet if I needed, and if I can't the consequence is only on me.

Lately, as my life has been strung out by sometimes insecure unemployment, grief, and everything under the sun, what I would give for focus. Maybe my love of a somewhat tame Bohemian lifestyle was only covering my weaknesses. And I know, the hurts and traumas influence me, I know the stresses from that time always instructed how I respond now from when my father died. I was entering school for something I loved, photography, and I may never have wanted it as a career, but I can look back and say it was also an escape.

I have friends who are ADHD. With listening for them for hours, knowing them for 30+ years, it comes to me sometimes I often do what they do. It's just our life stories that are very different

And I'm not an excitable, a fidgety person, where those friends are - I'm usually more calm, downtrodden, relaxed, but with anxiety held within. I sometimes question the value of these endless possibilities in self-analysis, as it would be much easier and simpler, be yourself without the worrying about what might be influencing me, that appears endless now with how people question themselves, but if what kept me from being able to focus and find myself during a time when I needed if I could place to a condition I could be helped with I'd want to know.

So all very contrarian by me in words, holding contradictions, but I'd not be surprised an ADHD mind can hold that quality. More, if you can find something that helps you, find it.

SW-User

@SW-User I'm sorry to hear about the hardships in your life. I hope you find your place in the world one day, and I wish you fulfillment. I, of course, couldn't say if you suffer from some sort of disorder or illness, but if you haven't seen a psychologist about it, you could consider trying that. Try to think about what exactly prevents you from living the life you want to live, or prevents you from being the person you wish to be. I think that's a good place to start, and in my opinion it's never too late for people to sort out their lives. ♡

SW-User

@SW-User I have, and often it does not work with my life. I can't have searching and asking for help become more stress than the stress I endure. I was more illustrating, you also have to learn to get on with life, and we all have a possible thousand distractions in our life that hold meanings if we were to only look in diagnosis, you will find possibly many.

SW-User

@SW-User Thank you, but I am quite sure that I have ADHD. My issues with focus, motivation and concentration are detrimental to my life-style, hence why I was – and still am – really upset to realize that there's little action for me to take in terms of getting this sorted, since I live in Ukraine now. I would think that's understandable.

SW-User

@SW-User It is and why I brought up my own issues about focus.