How my special brain works
Soooo. I got stuck this morning. I woke up. Still feeling sad. On top of that I was sweating in my sleep again....so my skin was burning all over due to my sweat allergy. I also just smelled awful and felt nasty.
Sooo....I wanted to shower. But...the bathroom is disgusting. Needs to be cleaned badly. And we don't have any clean towels either. So....I didn't really want to shower....at least until I could clean the bathroom.
Issue here is. I felt too depressed to clean the bathroom. So....I thought maybe I will read a chapter of my book to sort of take my mind off things and cheer up so I will feel good enough to clean. Except....I couldn't find the stylus I use to read. It helps me stay focused on what I am reading. I only like the tactile sensation of that particular stylus. Nothing else has same effect. I have more trouble focusing while reading without it and get restless.
So...I was paralyzed because I couldn't find my special reading stylus to read so I could cheer up so I could clean the bathroom so I could shower so my skin would stop burning. Which made me feel even worse.
My brain is a fucking nightmare sometimes. That whole process took me 2 hours to work through. When I was younger....it could last all day.
I ended up identifying I was becoming trapped due to my bizarre thought processes. And decided to fight it. I went and hunted down my stylus. But....my skin really burned too bad and I felt too gross to read anyhow. I still did not feel up to cleaning so...just showered in dirty shower and dried with dirty towel. Oh well. Better than my flesh slowly burning off for hours and feeling nasty. In other words instead of going off of my brain's natural flawed logic/processes for things....I identified what my actual most pressing and important needs were and just addressed those.
Now at least I am clean and my skin isn't burning anymore. If I were going to tackle the rest of this.....the bathroom needs cleaning still but I still don't feel up to it. So...I was gonna do the read to try to feel better thing since I found my stylus. But....here is the thing. I don't know exactly when or if my mood will improve anytime soon, though I can work at it, I cannot say definitively when today I will feel better....or even if when I am feeling better that I will want to clean the bathroom then.
So....what happens if I just push myself to clean the bathroom while I feel like shit? Worst case scenario....I have a meltdown and start crying and give up. Best case scenario....I get my bathroom cleaned even though I feel shitty doing so. If I go the route where I just push myself to clean even though I feel awful....I am at least starting on cleaning. If I go the other route and try to wait until I am happy and willing to clean....I may not get started at all. It is less likely to happen. Also...the feeling of accomplishment I get from cleaning the bathroom may improve my mood in the process.
So...I guess I will go try to clean my bathroom next 🤪
But yeah that is how my special brain works ☠️ And why functioning day to day can be so difficult for me. Everything gets locked behind nonsensical conditions. That is also how I am learning to work through these faulty thought processes of mine. I share these experiences of mine in hopes they may be able to help others who have similar issues in regards to executive functioning.
Sooo....I wanted to shower. But...the bathroom is disgusting. Needs to be cleaned badly. And we don't have any clean towels either. So....I didn't really want to shower....at least until I could clean the bathroom.
Issue here is. I felt too depressed to clean the bathroom. So....I thought maybe I will read a chapter of my book to sort of take my mind off things and cheer up so I will feel good enough to clean. Except....I couldn't find the stylus I use to read. It helps me stay focused on what I am reading. I only like the tactile sensation of that particular stylus. Nothing else has same effect. I have more trouble focusing while reading without it and get restless.
So...I was paralyzed because I couldn't find my special reading stylus to read so I could cheer up so I could clean the bathroom so I could shower so my skin would stop burning. Which made me feel even worse.
My brain is a fucking nightmare sometimes. That whole process took me 2 hours to work through. When I was younger....it could last all day.
I ended up identifying I was becoming trapped due to my bizarre thought processes. And decided to fight it. I went and hunted down my stylus. But....my skin really burned too bad and I felt too gross to read anyhow. I still did not feel up to cleaning so...just showered in dirty shower and dried with dirty towel. Oh well. Better than my flesh slowly burning off for hours and feeling nasty. In other words instead of going off of my brain's natural flawed logic/processes for things....I identified what my actual most pressing and important needs were and just addressed those.
Now at least I am clean and my skin isn't burning anymore. If I were going to tackle the rest of this.....the bathroom needs cleaning still but I still don't feel up to it. So...I was gonna do the read to try to feel better thing since I found my stylus. But....here is the thing. I don't know exactly when or if my mood will improve anytime soon, though I can work at it, I cannot say definitively when today I will feel better....or even if when I am feeling better that I will want to clean the bathroom then.
So....what happens if I just push myself to clean the bathroom while I feel like shit? Worst case scenario....I have a meltdown and start crying and give up. Best case scenario....I get my bathroom cleaned even though I feel shitty doing so. If I go the route where I just push myself to clean even though I feel awful....I am at least starting on cleaning. If I go the other route and try to wait until I am happy and willing to clean....I may not get started at all. It is less likely to happen. Also...the feeling of accomplishment I get from cleaning the bathroom may improve my mood in the process.
So...I guess I will go try to clean my bathroom next 🤪
But yeah that is how my special brain works ☠️ And why functioning day to day can be so difficult for me. Everything gets locked behind nonsensical conditions. That is also how I am learning to work through these faulty thought processes of mine. I share these experiences of mine in hopes they may be able to help others who have similar issues in regards to executive functioning.
