The past won't stay the past...

I've always had such a hard time moving on from past mistakes, whether perceived or real. To sum things up, I was with someone for almost 3 years. Best relationship I ever had. She gave me love...affection...support. For the first time in my life I felt I was worth a little something to someone. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. But I chose to ruin it. Someone else came in, from my past, telling me things that I believed. The one thing me and my ex didn't agree on was kids. I've always wanted them, more than anything. She didn't. This other girl had kids already, and after a while started telling me she wished her kids were mine and not her then husbands. Needless to say, I ate it up. I made the choice I made, and my ex found out. Instead of beg for forgiveness I let her leave. She didn't want to, but I felt guilty. And then I sabotaged any chance of reconciliation and chose to go after this other girl as if I was under a spell. I could go into more detail but the gist of it is I chose a horrible path and ended up alone. It's been over a year...I think about my ex every drive home from work, every night when I lay down to go to bed. I cry when she comes up in my mind, thinking of the horrible thing I did to the nicest and kindest person I've ever met. I've tried to meet other people, but it's not easy. She's moved on last I talked with her, and she deserves to be happy with someone. But I've frozen in time. Constantly tearing myself nearly every single day since it happened. I've never been so close to jumping off the edge. I don't want to, but what am I living for? What kind of person betrays someone they claim to love? Over a year later and I still can't allow myself to move past it. Everyone does things they regret....but I can't let myself feel anything other than terrible.

Just wanted to get this out. If you read it, thanks. Hoping this will be cathartic but it's just made me cry lol. Stupid.