So this was painful

For past week I would sleep in the evening and wake up at night say around 11 pm to 1 am . And I would feel so shitty . I would feel like throwing up and crying and I didn't know why .. Today, my day went okayish but when I woke up again I felt like throwing up and crying. And then I did . I cried. Tears burned my eyes and as far as I hated this feeling, crying helped me. I have been bottling these emotions for a month and it was getting worse since I had stopped talking to my friends too . The reason being they are so healthy and busy in their lives, I just can't keep up with them .although they are very caring, they don't understand about depression which makes me so distant from them . I have been trying to detach myself from them because I am tired of living these half felt relationship where I can't relate to what they feel and they can't understand what I am going through .
It turns out human emotions are complex than that . While crying today, I just imagined hugging one of my friend and just crying my eyes out . (who understood me a little bit but we split over some issues) .
Now I don't know what to do . I thought I was better off away from friends and human connections because trust me , it has given me so much pain . My insecurities and Anxiety always made me feel that I don't deserve them and it just made me hate myself more because why am I so insecure and jealous .why can't I love and accept without feeling this crippled depression .
I am trying to conclude that I undeniably love them very much . Seriously I do although I don't want to. But I can't be with them . I have so much to heal .