Panic attack? Idk but hello, its been 8 years..

Im so scared to post here. I dont even know how to talk about myself anymore..... but I'll try.

My first post here was 8 years ago.

I cant believe im still alive. Not in a morbid way, I'm just genuinely surprised. I never could think or imagine my life that far ahead. I'm 30 now, i was 22. Thats crazy. So much has happened. Some ive posted on here, most i haven't.

My heart hurts every day. Mentally and physically. Im not sure when it will give out, but one day it will and then ill return to earth.

I miss you.

I'm trying to quit smoking. Its been so on and off, but I'm really really trying hard.

A flower for Flower 🌼

I went to the ER a few weekends ago because my heartbeat went over 200 bpm in the middle of the night. Drs didnt see anything wrong but i can feel it in my chest, something isnt right. I think a combination of the physical smoking and the heartache and stress is literally straining my heart to a limit. I would like to not be dead. Or maybe, im not really sure.

I'm just exhausted most days. Its so hard to get up. But i do, every day. And i try my best. And thats all i can do. I think im possibly slipping into an acute psychological episode. All i think about is death, and how afraid i am of dying. And whatever that psychological law is that states the more you manifest it the more likely itll come true or whatever, im afraid of literally causing my own death

I wish i could tell you all of this, but its too late. I should have when i had the chance. But i was too scared, and thats my own fault. Its my own fault, now. I used to use you as an excuse but after so many years, i can't play that care anymore. It was my fault.

I'm so scared.

I'm so scared of everything. Mainly dying, mainly being in pain, knowing whats about to happen but not being able to stop it.

I'm so afraid.

Another flower, for Flower. 🌼

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dragonfly46 · F

Hello, decided to comment because of the smoking.

My 10th anniversary of quitting is in exactly 15 days. On my husbands birthday. Haha, his gift is me living to torture him longer....I digress.

There was never a good time to quit, I did every kind of quitting imaginable. After this pack, won't buy anymore, only bum a cigarette once in awhile, cut down, smoke menthol because I hate menthol. I'd play games with quit days, quit for awhile, then someone would die....

I never found the right time, day, situation or a peaceful day to quit. Knowing after 30 years of smoking, with the last years my heaviest( 13 a day), I was absolutely sure if I did not do it, I swear I'd never quit. Older I got, the harder to quit it became.

So one day, with no planning, and a half a pack of American Spirits left( a true 10 minute cigarette). I just quit. Period. No going back. No choice. One of the hardest things I have ever done. The cravings finally stopped, and my life had had some of the hardest times since I quit, and I didn't pick it back up. I realized reading your essay here that I am at my anniversary. That's how little I think about smoking. It's possible.

I believe that what worked for me is not giving my self a choice. That door shut, it was final. Non negotiable. Done.

Plumouter · 26-30, M

@dragonfly46 thank you for sharing your story. I think this is really the only method. I appreciate your comment and time, thank you, truly.

dragonfly46 · F

@Plumouter Good luck to you. I enjoyed your writing above. Takes a lot to put yourself out there. Thanks for sharing that.

Jayciedubb · 56-60, M

First, know this. ..you're ok. You're going to be ok until the end. You'll never be in more pain than you can endure. Everything is going to work out. It may or may not work out the way you planned or in your favor, but it will work out and you'll adjust. ..or it will work out in your favor.

Life is a miracle. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Sometimes it helps to remind yourself that on the day you were conceived, there were about 200 million other possibilities but you were the lucky one who found that golden egg.

For the smoking issue. Quit or don't. Trying to quit is just going to lead to more smoking. Quit now and never smoke again, because if you have just one more, even after you've been quit for even a year or more, that ond cigarette will turn into another with a plan of having no more starting tomorrow, then next week, to next month, next year, ..after you finish the pack, ..which will lead to another final pack after the weekend, blah, blah, blah, ..

I had to quit 3 times, and each time was a little harder. I smoked and dipped Copenhagen. I've been tobacco free since 4.20.93 and i still dream about dipping. Sometimes I wake up with a mouth full of spit that I thought was Copenhagen. ..other times i wake up with spit all over my pillow.

What helped me a lot was Trident sugarless gum and lifesavers candy.

Don't take baby steps. They don't work. Sever the connection completely and consider it dead

Keep your chin up. You're going to be ok

Plumouter · 26-30, M

@Jayciedubb youre right on the smoking. Cold turkey is the way to go tbh.

And thank you, i appreciate the thoughtful reply.

OogieBoogie · F

@Jayciedubb i love what you wrote🤗

Although, i do believe in trying - its about picking your battles, but when you have many, sometimes all you can do is conquer one thing, and try for the others.

People achieve in so many different ways. Me, im a developer....i grow into change - its awfully slow😂
- i need to confront the thing and accept it
- then i need to stew on it for a year or so while my mind and heart catches up to my attitude.
- THEN, i start to change, slowly, bit by bit, incorporating that "change" into me, my life, my routines and how i work.

Not saying your incredible attitude is wrong, it DEFINITELY isn't - its just .....well....everybody changes a their own speed, or in their own way.

Some jump in both feet first and hit the ground running.
Some ...need to walk before they can run

💚🤗💜

Lilnonames · F

hope you get all back together

🙏

Plumouter · 26-30, M

@Lilnonames I appreciate that, thank you very much

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