Aaaaaagggghhhhhhhhhh

I even dreamed last night that I put a shotgun to my head and was trying to get up the courage to pull the trigger.
I can't explain to anyone why I suffer so much, and that makes it so much worse.
I don't understand how I'm still sane. I should have lost my grip on reality years ago.
Somehow I keep functioning though, and because of that people keep making the same mistake with me. They tell me I'm okay, and that I am going to be okay...but I am not okay.