Cuts part 2
Then there was this other guy I met on grindr, we’ll David, I remember seeing him online a few times, like once a month o 2 months, then all of a sudden he was online a lot more often. We talked, he seemed really nice, and just a genuine guy, down to earth. He said he wasn’t looking for a relationship because he was currently in an open relationship because his boyfriend moved out to study and they decided meanwhile they will have an open relationship, but he was just running around looking for s*x, he was also open to making friends. Which from my point of view seemed perfect. We talked a lot about getting to know each other in person but whenever I could he couldn’t and when ever he could I couldn’t. We talked for a like 2 months on and off, just like checking in like once a week or so with each other, just talk about family friends or what ever was going on in our lifes, things also heated up a few times between use s*xually, but up till that point we have still haven’t seen each other in person. I told him not to have huge expectations, because I might look a bit different than what he expects, I am the person in the photos I sent but it’s easy to me yourself look a certain way in your selfies, especially if you take like 20 of them at a time, at least one will look the way you want it to, we only put the best version of ourself on online. He said he didn’t think that would be an issue and even if it were an issue we could still be friends and it might even be the other way around. I don’t know if you guys remember Artur, because a lot of these things were happening at the same time. One day I was supposed to meet Artur for our first date, but he cancelled last minute because he was sick, and that made me frustrated because it wasn’t the first time he cancelled and because it was last minute I was already dressed and basically on my out when he sent me the text, and because I was frustrated I went into grinder and texted David and asked what he was up to, and if he would be open to go get a drink(because I still wanted to have some sort of a “date” that night) he said yes and we met. We went for a drink, I don’t remember much what we talked about, but I remember feeling really attracted to him and thinking “Score!” because I was a 100% sure he must feel the same way because he assured me he’ll probably will time and time again. Gat home that day and gat a text from him saying something like “This was nice, we should do it again, it was nice to meet you finally, but just to clear things out, I don’t think there can be anything else than just friendship between us”, I replied it was ok and same. Then we never spoke again for a few months, and that hurt especially because I could see him online every now and then and he just never texted and I was the one that initiated the last few conversations we had. A few months later I went to Madrid for a week and met someone there, he was very open and free minded and didn’t worry much about people he meets online, and I thought “maybe I should try that” so when I gat back home I changed my profile picture and put up one of me with no shirt on and that got more attention, it even gat David’s attention. This time he texted me and asked how I have been, I chose to be sincere and told him I was interested him when we met and finding out he didn’t feel the same way kinda hurt a bit and was like “Interested in what way?” I answered and he was like “Maybe there is something we can do”, he basically suggested oral s*x. Which was a bit weird to me because originally he wasn’t attracted to me.. Time went on and we planned to do it but never did, whenever I could he couldn’t and whenever he could I couldn’t, then there was this time when we almost did, I went over to the place I thought he lived, but as soon as I gat there he told me he didn’t live there and he was really sorry, really sorry, but something important just came up and he had to leave. I understood and told him it was fine, but add the to the fact that originally he wasn’t interested in me and as soon as I post a shirtless picture, all of a sudden he is interested. Makes feel like I am nothing more than just a toy to him and he sorta lost any little respect he might have had for me, and that was hurtful. Also I never said anything to him about feeling this way about the whole thing.
After that, a few months later, I was bored and I wanted burger king, but didn’t wanna go alone so I opened up grindr just looking for someone who would accompany, but no one would so I went alone anyway. While I was there I had the app still open and saw a profile I wasn’t familiar with, so I messaged. He answered instantly and during the whole first conversation he was engaging and genially seemed nice, funny and interested in me(plus he was also good-looking and lived close by). Usually every the first time you talk to someone there is a phase of “getting to know what the other guy wants” and there are usually typical questions like “What are you looking for? how old are you? where do you live, are you more act or pas?” and a few others, some conversations don’t make it pass this phase, but with this guy it was different, we didn’t ask any of that at first, those things sorta just came out naturally later on. I remember texting him about how I just wanted to go get a burger with someone and no one wanted to, and he said something like “Omg you made me so hungry now, but I have somewhere I have to be in a few minutes lol” and things just gradually picked up from there. I didn’t get the feeling he was one of those who only cared about looks. A few days later we decided to meet, and tho I was nervous I was also calm? The whole thing went well, we talked a lot and even laughed a few times. But for some reason as soon as I gat home I gat a text saying “I had fun today, but just in case I don’t think it’s gonna work out, but I am open with being friends tho”. We texted each other a few times after that and that was all…note I was the one who started the conversations we had after we met, he never initiate it.
Then there was this guy I met on tinder, his name was Martin, he seemed normal enough and after we matched we talked for a while and decided to exchange instagrams and keep in touch, but he looked really familiar and I couldn’t determine where I might know him from… then after I checked out his Instagram it hit me… he was Ivan’s ex. Ivan is someone I made out with years ago, at the time he told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship and just wanted to have some fun. I always liked him, and he knew that, but he was never interested in me like that, at least that what he would always say when ever I brought it up. But the last time I spoke to him he talked about how he always felt something for me but wasn’t sure, and was scared. I thought he was lying and sending me mix signs to I blocked him because I didn’t need that sort of confusion in my life, but getting to know Martin(we had nothing other than friendship and a drink together) brought back some memories of Ivan so I unblocked him and texted to find out if he was telling the truth. He laughed at me trough out the whole conversation and basically said he never cared the slightest, the only person he ever cared and loved was Martin, and anything out of the relationship he had with Martin was just fun for him, and he didn’t even remember ever saying he ever liked me. To add more hurt to the whole thing, he then said all he did was say and do what he knew he had to to get me to have s*x with him and it worked a few time and basically said I was stupid for it while he laughed. I felt disrespected, insulted, used, meaningless. Like I get he is just telling things as they are, but there are ways and ways to say the same thing without hurting the other person, or at least hurt them the least possible, but he didn’t even think I was worthy of that. I really doubled down on saying “It’s just another cut, I will be fine, he is an idiot, I know I deserver better, I will be fine” but time went on and I will think about the way he made me feel, the things he said, the level of disrespect, the fact I was the one who went back to him, everything else that happened these past 6-9 months, Artur, David, the jealousy I felt for Andrés while at the same time I felt sorry for him, Carlos, Fabio, and now this with Ivan, being rejected over and over again, being told how special and unique I am by the same people I know are about to ghost me… these thoughts were dragging me down, seeing them day in and day out on Instagram wasn’t helping me move on, gat to a point where they weren’t just the ones I had a problem with but people that had hurt me unfairly at some point and nothing was done about that, seeing all their faces… I had leave it all for a while.
I feel like after each one of these experiences something in me was torn apart, like a cut, like something I know I will heal from soon enough, but jump into another and the wound just gets deeper and deeper after each one. I could feel myself fall, and somehow drowning while desperately trying to convince myself I was fine or that I’ll be fine, none of these experiences were bad enough on their own to make me fall… but together they were dragging me. It’s not easy moving forward when you keep seeing these people on Instagram, some of them now in a relationship, others traveling, people who have hurted me badly for no reason years even before any of this, having a great life now with tones of friends.. and here I am struggling with everything I set my mind on… and I ask, where the f*ck is karma?
I know tinder is a sh*t hole, but how ever bad you think tinder is, multiply that by 10 or 20 and you’ll get an idea of what grindr is like. D*ck pics several times a week(without even asking), same go for pictures of people’s a$$holes, most from people that could be my fathers, some could be my grandfathers. I have had people offer me money, which is really disrespectful, some people get mad when you say no they get personal and insult you, some times they even get racist. One guy asked my hand in marriage, he had never met me in person, he could have literally been my grandfather. He said in exchange for marrying him I would get everything once he died and never have to work again for the rest of my life, it was a obvious no and I told him to look for someone his age because anyone my age will probably not only take advantage of him but make whatever is left of his life a living hell. I get asked to piss or sh*t on people, spit on them, also gat rapped once and end up bleeding a bit for a week or so… it’s just a weird thing to get use to, it was doing something to me.
After that, a few months later, I was bored and I wanted burger king, but didn’t wanna go alone so I opened up grindr just looking for someone who would accompany, but no one would so I went alone anyway. While I was there I had the app still open and saw a profile I wasn’t familiar with, so I messaged. He answered instantly and during the whole first conversation he was engaging and genially seemed nice, funny and interested in me(plus he was also good-looking and lived close by). Usually every the first time you talk to someone there is a phase of “getting to know what the other guy wants” and there are usually typical questions like “What are you looking for? how old are you? where do you live, are you more act or pas?” and a few others, some conversations don’t make it pass this phase, but with this guy it was different, we didn’t ask any of that at first, those things sorta just came out naturally later on. I remember texting him about how I just wanted to go get a burger with someone and no one wanted to, and he said something like “Omg you made me so hungry now, but I have somewhere I have to be in a few minutes lol” and things just gradually picked up from there. I didn’t get the feeling he was one of those who only cared about looks. A few days later we decided to meet, and tho I was nervous I was also calm? The whole thing went well, we talked a lot and even laughed a few times. But for some reason as soon as I gat home I gat a text saying “I had fun today, but just in case I don’t think it’s gonna work out, but I am open with being friends tho”. We texted each other a few times after that and that was all…note I was the one who started the conversations we had after we met, he never initiate it.
Then there was this guy I met on tinder, his name was Martin, he seemed normal enough and after we matched we talked for a while and decided to exchange instagrams and keep in touch, but he looked really familiar and I couldn’t determine where I might know him from… then after I checked out his Instagram it hit me… he was Ivan’s ex. Ivan is someone I made out with years ago, at the time he told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship and just wanted to have some fun. I always liked him, and he knew that, but he was never interested in me like that, at least that what he would always say when ever I brought it up. But the last time I spoke to him he talked about how he always felt something for me but wasn’t sure, and was scared. I thought he was lying and sending me mix signs to I blocked him because I didn’t need that sort of confusion in my life, but getting to know Martin(we had nothing other than friendship and a drink together) brought back some memories of Ivan so I unblocked him and texted to find out if he was telling the truth. He laughed at me trough out the whole conversation and basically said he never cared the slightest, the only person he ever cared and loved was Martin, and anything out of the relationship he had with Martin was just fun for him, and he didn’t even remember ever saying he ever liked me. To add more hurt to the whole thing, he then said all he did was say and do what he knew he had to to get me to have s*x with him and it worked a few time and basically said I was stupid for it while he laughed. I felt disrespected, insulted, used, meaningless. Like I get he is just telling things as they are, but there are ways and ways to say the same thing without hurting the other person, or at least hurt them the least possible, but he didn’t even think I was worthy of that. I really doubled down on saying “It’s just another cut, I will be fine, he is an idiot, I know I deserver better, I will be fine” but time went on and I will think about the way he made me feel, the things he said, the level of disrespect, the fact I was the one who went back to him, everything else that happened these past 6-9 months, Artur, David, the jealousy I felt for Andrés while at the same time I felt sorry for him, Carlos, Fabio, and now this with Ivan, being rejected over and over again, being told how special and unique I am by the same people I know are about to ghost me… these thoughts were dragging me down, seeing them day in and day out on Instagram wasn’t helping me move on, gat to a point where they weren’t just the ones I had a problem with but people that had hurt me unfairly at some point and nothing was done about that, seeing all their faces… I had leave it all for a while.
I feel like after each one of these experiences something in me was torn apart, like a cut, like something I know I will heal from soon enough, but jump into another and the wound just gets deeper and deeper after each one. I could feel myself fall, and somehow drowning while desperately trying to convince myself I was fine or that I’ll be fine, none of these experiences were bad enough on their own to make me fall… but together they were dragging me. It’s not easy moving forward when you keep seeing these people on Instagram, some of them now in a relationship, others traveling, people who have hurted me badly for no reason years even before any of this, having a great life now with tones of friends.. and here I am struggling with everything I set my mind on… and I ask, where the f*ck is karma?
I know tinder is a sh*t hole, but how ever bad you think tinder is, multiply that by 10 or 20 and you’ll get an idea of what grindr is like. D*ck pics several times a week(without even asking), same go for pictures of people’s a$$holes, most from people that could be my fathers, some could be my grandfathers. I have had people offer me money, which is really disrespectful, some people get mad when you say no they get personal and insult you, some times they even get racist. One guy asked my hand in marriage, he had never met me in person, he could have literally been my grandfather. He said in exchange for marrying him I would get everything once he died and never have to work again for the rest of my life, it was a obvious no and I told him to look for someone his age because anyone my age will probably not only take advantage of him but make whatever is left of his life a living hell. I get asked to piss or sh*t on people, spit on them, also gat rapped once and end up bleeding a bit for a week or so… it’s just a weird thing to get use to, it was doing something to me.
26-30, M