cuts part 1
So I am gonna do this in 2 parts because I can't put it all in one post....
Part 1:
In life I don’t think you are suppose to be happy, I think you are suppose to be stable, and once you divert from that stability, either its bc you are over joyed or over sad, that’s when you should take a step back and question your patterns or your past experiences looking for something out of place. This is how I usually "work with myself" one bad experiences isn't enough to "take action", just as having a fun day at the beach or a zoo is normal, having a bad day is also fine. This change when one emotion repeat itself over and over again during a long period, that's means something needs to be done.
I left tinder, grindr and instagram almost a month ago. The plan was to take some time off, and spend at least a month away from it all. Before doing that I felt something growing inside me, I was hurt, I was angry and I didn't know what to do about it. There wasn't one thing I could point my finger at and say "There, that's what been making me so emotional". The truth is that it was a combination of a bunch of different things, each one not being serious enough to worry about but piled up together was dragging me down. I knew how to manoeuvre and work on myself to move on one big problem, but it was to do so when I couldn't locate the source of the pain I was feeling, I wasn't able to think back and go "Oh ok, that's what making feel so bad, I should do something about that, I will work towards fixing that then"
, whenever I tried thinking back to figure out what was troubling me so much, I would go "Oh ok that happened last week but it wasn't a big deal, so I don’t think it's that, I will move pass that soon, but this other thing happened 2 months ago...maybe it's that, yea but i don't think about that that often..." and on and on. I ended up figuring out it not one big thing but a lot of smaller things. Before I left those social sites I couldn't explain it because I didn't even fully understand why these little experiences were hurting me so much, but ever since I left I found a better way to explain it. Imagine you are cooking and you cut yourself, it hurt yes, but you won't run out looking and asking for help, or go see a doctor for it. You clean yourself up and keep doing what ever you were doing because in a few days you'll heal up. That how I looked at all these little hurtful experiences, as things I would heal from soon enough if I just give myself some time. But I figure out it's hard to heal when you keep getting cuts in the same place, it just makes the wound larger. I still think of things that happened to me a year ago and they still hurt because I went back into the kitchen and cut myself over and over again trying to cook something.
A year ago I had my first real job, I just decided to quit studying and get a job, which wasn't easy given the whole corona thing a lot of companies where bankrupt and weren't really looking for new employees. Almost a year after I started my search, being at home 24/7 I finally got a chance to work at factory making pastries. I was so excited I remember the first person I called was my mom. I was told it was gonna be 8h a day from 1am to 11am, 6 days a week, with just 15min break (which some days I didn’t even get). My first day there I was told I would have to come in an hour earlier the next day and every day from that, and tho my contract say from I work until 11am I never once left the factory at 11am, I left at least 11:30 am or mostly 12 am, so my time moved from 8h a day to 10h a day... Needless to say I was exhausted, and I felt unsupported by my family because I was being told I was a cry baby that was always given whatever he wanted and doesn’t wanna work. I knew I needed some sort of support just to at least get to the end of the month of I found someone on grindr. His name was Martin. He was nice, he was sweet and just the support I needed. We would talk all day and late at night before I leave for work he would sat stuff like "U got this, show them what you are made of etc". We talked for 2 months before we met in person. I worked during the first month and quit the next, and he was with his family at their vacation house during the month after that, but we talked every day. Finally he came back and we met in person. I talked to him before about how I was afraid that if we met he might not like the way I look. It's one thing to see someone in photos and another in person. He said no matter what happens, we will at least still be friends. We walked around the city for some time, then went to burger king and sat down to eat that. After that I went back to the train station, went back home and... we never talked again. I don’t know what happened, what I did, but all I can think of is... my looks. We had been talking for so long, I trusted him when he said "we will at least be friends" and to go from that to nothing was hurtful and confusing, I was kinda left in the dark about it all. I even knew his family, he talked about them so much I felt like I knew them all, I had already pictured what they were like and what it would be like to meet them...
A month or so later I started talking to another guy. He talked a lot about how good he thought I looked on the photos I sent him, and how much he wanted to meet me because of that. Given the fact that he was constantly talking about my looks I knew instantly that when we met he would be disappointed, I tried to warn him, but he kept talking about how that's not gonna be an issue. Annnnd just as expected, after we met never spoke to me again.
After that I gat matched with a guy in tinder Fabio. I remember we had a few things in common like anime, videogaming and having social anxiety. He was funny and told me stuff about how he does crazy things when he is around people to impress them because he only feel like he is worth something when people around him are impressed by something he is doing or saying. How he has always been the class clown but sometimes it get really hard for him and he feels really lonely. He was sweet in a way I never imagined someone I might end up with will be, the type of sweet that is caring and funny. I felt like I had someone to always turn to. I remember having a really bad day with my anxiety and was kinda shutting myself of at the end of the day, I was telling him “I don’t wanna talk right now, it happens sometimes, I just get really sad and I can’t figure out one core reason why that is” and bla bla bla, and he went “Hey but I am here, you know that right? I am here for you ok?”. I have gave up long time ago of the whole being saved by a prince dream that will make everything worth it… but with him it felt like I was finally getting one. Then we planned to meet up at the comic and video-gaming convention that was taking place in his city, which was like 4 hours by car away from me, and asked if I would come and be with him. At first I said no, because I had no one to go with and had never went to the convention. He then convinced me and I texted a friend I hadn’t spoken to in years and she agreed and said we could to together. The night before I said good night to him and he told me he was gonna go out with some friends because he had been locked up in his room lately studying. The next day (the day of the convention) I woke up to weird text from him, he sent like 3 am or 4 am. Stuff like “kf vfdgn fgjd” there were a few like that. I asked him if he was ok and gat no response. I was like “Dude, I am about to leave, what happened to you” No response. Half way there I gat a text from his Instagram account, saying he doesn’t remember a thing about last night, and that he broke his arm and phone so he was texting me from his pc. I sent a screenshot of the weird text I got from him and he said he doesn’t remember texting me at all. But obviously he had to go to the ER, but no one else was home, which first of all meant he won’t be able to come to the convention to meet me but even worst he needed help and no one was around to do that. I don’t know how he gat help but he went to the ER gat help and we couldn’t talk for weeks. I was really mad at him, but I wanted him to heal first before we could talk about it. After a few weeks, he had healed up and gat a new phone. I then texted him and said something like “ I understand you were hurt and that took priority and that it was all a mistake, but that was really irresponsible of you, knowing we were gonna met the next day to get that drunk, even after it all went down, what really hurt is that you never apologized to me about anything, not once in these past few weeks, like I know u were hurt and I am sorry but you didn’t acknowledge, not even a little bit what all this meant to me, I spent a lot of money to see you that that, took a trip and you weren’t even there, I was left alone somewhere I didn’t know, and I never even gat a sorry once out of you for it” and he got all defensive about the whole thing, saying oh that I wasn’t the only one affected, that he lost a lot too, people he wanted to be with that at the end he couldn’t , stuff he wanted to do, the whole recovery and stuff. This wasn’t a side of him I liked at all.. and things just died out from there, and were never met up. We still talk from time to time now as friends, he ever since I have noticed he does a lot of sh*t without thinking much about it and that’s not just cool with me. Like spending the night with 2 German strangers(coulple) his friend introduced him to, had s*x with them and stole a few things from their bathroom, like a book, post all about it on his Instagram account… btw there were like in their mid 30s and Fabio just celebrated his 19th birthday a few months back. I remember at first, when everything was still sweet with him, I coincidently found the Sia’s song “saved my life” more of less the same time we started talking, I felt like it was destiny trying to tell me it was my time, it was my turn, I had finally found him, I was finally there… turns out that’s just how close I ever gat, nowadays when ever I hear the song it has a different meaning.
School had just started, it had only been a few weeks, and I had French as one of my subjects. I don’t know how this works in other countries but here in Spain we usually have an foreign person come in to help the teacher teach a langue. Like if it was English for example we would have someone from the USA or UK come in and help with the classes for the rest of the year, this year we had a French boy come to help with our French classes. His name was Artur and he was 2 years younger than me. I remember the first day he came in, he looked shy and nervous, I don’t think he was expecting his student to be around his age. I could hear the whole class whispering stuff about him here and there, but I didn’t want to do that. So tho everyone was staring at him I tried not to do that because I imagine that would make him feel uncomfortable. I thought he was good looking and as always said to myself “He is probably straight so don’t even look”. After presenting ourselves we had to register at some site, and everyone was having trouble doing that. Our teacher Emma then went around and tried to help, while she did that I noticed Artur was walking over to me and I looked away quickly, he then stopped at my side and asked if he could help with the site.
Anyway that was about it for a week or 2, because we only had French classes with him once a week, and there we virtual, so I thought I would not see him in person much after the first day he came in to introduce himself. Buuut I ran into his profile in tinder. I was like O_O, like omg that’s him, that’s Artur. His profile said something like “I love nature, the rain and the ocean and that’s why I am here(and a French flag at the end)”. I didn’t look twice and quickly swipped right, but nothing…. I thought well that was disappointing, I hoped we would have matched so I could get to know him a little bit better. I went to bed imagining what could have been, surprising the next day when I went back into the app we had matched. I texted him, but gat no replay. Keep in mid this was my little secret, I didn’t want rumours of him being on tinder going around school, I would hate if that happened to me so I won’t do that to him. After 2 weeks I decided to text him again and this time he answered, but had no idea who I was at first, so I told him “Don’t be sacred and don’t block me, but I think I am one of your students” He was then really shocked but still was cool about it. We exchanged instagrams and talked a little bit there. A week later I asked my French teacher during class “If I were in France, and I met someone I like, I would I ask that person out on a date?” and she explained how to, so I wrote it down on my hand and took a picture of what I wrote on my hand and sent it to Artur. He was really excited and said “OUIIII” with a smiley face emoji. We planned it a few times but didn’t work out, I gad a lot of examens and didn’t have too much time to go out, then he went out for vacation for 2 weeks, then as soon as he gat back I gat covid, and after I recovered from that he then gat sick, and after that finally we gat together and went out to go grab a drink. It was a bit weird, but went smoothly. It was strange to have him teach class after that for him, because during our online classes with him, there were no special treatment, we acted as if we were just teacher and student. Sometimes when we are alone we talk about seeing each other again after class. Then we did again and this time we end up making out, and planned that next time we see each other we’ll watch a movie together at his place. Then the day finally came and coincidently it was also valentine's Day so I bought an edible rose I found at the supermarket on my way to his place. As soon as I gat there his roommate gat dressed and left, and we went to the kitchen where he had been trying to make me something but failed XD. Later during the movie I remembered about the rose and gave it to him, he smiled and said that was sweet and we kissed. I then felt thing escalating and I gat on top of him, we then went to the bed room and gat undressed, but for some reason he… had problems, there were no “rising” if you know what I mean, so we decided to stop and just finish the movie. As soon as we went back to the living room we noticed our pre-make out session had broken his glasses, I felt horrible and apologized like a million times about it. We watched the rest of the movie in silent and the atmosphere was soooo uncomfortable. I apologized some more and then left, I text him trying to say sorry for the night and that I don’t know what I was doing, that I am a virgen and I am still learning and maybe I should have been better, he said it was all fine and that it wasn’t my fault, he was just not in the mood for that. We planned to keep in touch, which we did, we texted a few times. I missed most of his classes after that, but we never really got together again after that. We had planned to go to so many places but never did and I guess it was because of that one incident at the end?. One of my classmates found out tho, she was shocked and wanted to know everything, I told her it was all a secret and she was cool with that. She would giggle and look at me whenever people in class talked about how good-looking and nice Artur was. My whole classes planned a “goodbye to Artur”, which would be in person, he would have to come to class in person for it, and I hadn’t seen him in person since…the incident…
The day came and we played some games and all said our goodbyes because soon our would be done. After the goodbyes, while everyone was standing around Artur came over to me and said “Hey… so how have you been?”. I said I have been fine and asked about him, we talked for a min or 2 and the class ended. And as I packed up my things my friend came over and said “He looked to nervous talking to you” I rolled my eyes and said “You have no idea”.
Side note to myself: At first he would talk about how he is not sure if he is doing a good job as a teacher because as time went on fewer and fewer people showed up for his classes, he also talked about his family, which surprisingly enough aren’t as perfect as I thought they would be giving how chill and focus he seemed.
Also as all of this was going on I met someone else, his name was Andrés. At first it was perfect, even before we met, I even remember him dropping an L bomb on me even before we met in person and I was like “Oh…thank you”. He was nice, I gat a good-morning text ever single day without a miss. Then we finally met and it went smoothly. He said he was relay happy to meet me and was looking forward to doing it again. Next time we were together he went for a walk in the woods and when it gat dark out snuggled up in the car. That’s when we first made out, it was great, I actually for the first time enjoyed being with someone se*ually, and things kinds died out from there. The next time we together nothing happened, he said he was just not in the mood for that which was fine and we watched a movie. But the goodmorning came in less and less, there wasn’t much left for us to talk about, our text were just goodmorning and goodnights to eachother for like almost a week before he stopped. I made sure there were no bad feelings at the end and went my way. Now here is the interesting part, at first, when we were getting to know eachother I noticed he took a lot of pictures at the gym with the same guy, I thought “Ok, maybe that’s just his gym buddy, np” but He later told me it was his ex, and they had just broke up a few months back, the whole thing was still so recent to him he cried the first time we made out. I remember him pulling back away from my lips and started cleaning his eyes out and I jokingly said “You are not crying are you lol?” and he went “IT’S NOT UR FAULT! IT’S NOT UR FAULT!” and then I said “OMG you are crying..” I then asked what was wrong and he told me that we were at the same spot he first made out with his ex, and I was the first person he had been with ever since. I then asked what happened between them, he said his had a psychological problem, and that between them. I could tell he didn’t wanna say what it was just yet, so I didn’t push. When I gat back home I took another look at the photos and they looked to happy together, his ex gat him into gym, he must feel lonely working out alone now… I felt really bad for him, knowing someone you loved so much had no choice but to leave you because to some psychological issue you have. They obviously cared a lot about each other. He told me he had phases where the illness would some how take control and his ex use to be able to help calm him. All of these new information changed things a little bit for me, what was it? Should I be afraid? It also made me feel like maybe I am doing more harm than anything else to him, I felt like bad for him and… I bad for myself thinking about how I never had that, about how maybe I am not sweet, nice or good-looking enough to deserve someone to care for me as much as these 2 cared about each other, it was a weird combination to feeling sorry for him and jealous at the sae time.
Part 1:
In life I don’t think you are suppose to be happy, I think you are suppose to be stable, and once you divert from that stability, either its bc you are over joyed or over sad, that’s when you should take a step back and question your patterns or your past experiences looking for something out of place. This is how I usually "work with myself" one bad experiences isn't enough to "take action", just as having a fun day at the beach or a zoo is normal, having a bad day is also fine. This change when one emotion repeat itself over and over again during a long period, that's means something needs to be done.
I left tinder, grindr and instagram almost a month ago. The plan was to take some time off, and spend at least a month away from it all. Before doing that I felt something growing inside me, I was hurt, I was angry and I didn't know what to do about it. There wasn't one thing I could point my finger at and say "There, that's what been making me so emotional". The truth is that it was a combination of a bunch of different things, each one not being serious enough to worry about but piled up together was dragging me down. I knew how to manoeuvre and work on myself to move on one big problem, but it was to do so when I couldn't locate the source of the pain I was feeling, I wasn't able to think back and go "Oh ok, that's what making feel so bad, I should do something about that, I will work towards fixing that then"
, whenever I tried thinking back to figure out what was troubling me so much, I would go "Oh ok that happened last week but it wasn't a big deal, so I don’t think it's that, I will move pass that soon, but this other thing happened 2 months ago...maybe it's that, yea but i don't think about that that often..." and on and on. I ended up figuring out it not one big thing but a lot of smaller things. Before I left those social sites I couldn't explain it because I didn't even fully understand why these little experiences were hurting me so much, but ever since I left I found a better way to explain it. Imagine you are cooking and you cut yourself, it hurt yes, but you won't run out looking and asking for help, or go see a doctor for it. You clean yourself up and keep doing what ever you were doing because in a few days you'll heal up. That how I looked at all these little hurtful experiences, as things I would heal from soon enough if I just give myself some time. But I figure out it's hard to heal when you keep getting cuts in the same place, it just makes the wound larger. I still think of things that happened to me a year ago and they still hurt because I went back into the kitchen and cut myself over and over again trying to cook something.
A year ago I had my first real job, I just decided to quit studying and get a job, which wasn't easy given the whole corona thing a lot of companies where bankrupt and weren't really looking for new employees. Almost a year after I started my search, being at home 24/7 I finally got a chance to work at factory making pastries. I was so excited I remember the first person I called was my mom. I was told it was gonna be 8h a day from 1am to 11am, 6 days a week, with just 15min break (which some days I didn’t even get). My first day there I was told I would have to come in an hour earlier the next day and every day from that, and tho my contract say from I work until 11am I never once left the factory at 11am, I left at least 11:30 am or mostly 12 am, so my time moved from 8h a day to 10h a day... Needless to say I was exhausted, and I felt unsupported by my family because I was being told I was a cry baby that was always given whatever he wanted and doesn’t wanna work. I knew I needed some sort of support just to at least get to the end of the month of I found someone on grindr. His name was Martin. He was nice, he was sweet and just the support I needed. We would talk all day and late at night before I leave for work he would sat stuff like "U got this, show them what you are made of etc". We talked for 2 months before we met in person. I worked during the first month and quit the next, and he was with his family at their vacation house during the month after that, but we talked every day. Finally he came back and we met in person. I talked to him before about how I was afraid that if we met he might not like the way I look. It's one thing to see someone in photos and another in person. He said no matter what happens, we will at least still be friends. We walked around the city for some time, then went to burger king and sat down to eat that. After that I went back to the train station, went back home and... we never talked again. I don’t know what happened, what I did, but all I can think of is... my looks. We had been talking for so long, I trusted him when he said "we will at least be friends" and to go from that to nothing was hurtful and confusing, I was kinda left in the dark about it all. I even knew his family, he talked about them so much I felt like I knew them all, I had already pictured what they were like and what it would be like to meet them...
A month or so later I started talking to another guy. He talked a lot about how good he thought I looked on the photos I sent him, and how much he wanted to meet me because of that. Given the fact that he was constantly talking about my looks I knew instantly that when we met he would be disappointed, I tried to warn him, but he kept talking about how that's not gonna be an issue. Annnnd just as expected, after we met never spoke to me again.
After that I gat matched with a guy in tinder Fabio. I remember we had a few things in common like anime, videogaming and having social anxiety. He was funny and told me stuff about how he does crazy things when he is around people to impress them because he only feel like he is worth something when people around him are impressed by something he is doing or saying. How he has always been the class clown but sometimes it get really hard for him and he feels really lonely. He was sweet in a way I never imagined someone I might end up with will be, the type of sweet that is caring and funny. I felt like I had someone to always turn to. I remember having a really bad day with my anxiety and was kinda shutting myself of at the end of the day, I was telling him “I don’t wanna talk right now, it happens sometimes, I just get really sad and I can’t figure out one core reason why that is” and bla bla bla, and he went “Hey but I am here, you know that right? I am here for you ok?”. I have gave up long time ago of the whole being saved by a prince dream that will make everything worth it… but with him it felt like I was finally getting one. Then we planned to meet up at the comic and video-gaming convention that was taking place in his city, which was like 4 hours by car away from me, and asked if I would come and be with him. At first I said no, because I had no one to go with and had never went to the convention. He then convinced me and I texted a friend I hadn’t spoken to in years and she agreed and said we could to together. The night before I said good night to him and he told me he was gonna go out with some friends because he had been locked up in his room lately studying. The next day (the day of the convention) I woke up to weird text from him, he sent like 3 am or 4 am. Stuff like “kf vfdgn fgjd” there were a few like that. I asked him if he was ok and gat no response. I was like “Dude, I am about to leave, what happened to you” No response. Half way there I gat a text from his Instagram account, saying he doesn’t remember a thing about last night, and that he broke his arm and phone so he was texting me from his pc. I sent a screenshot of the weird text I got from him and he said he doesn’t remember texting me at all. But obviously he had to go to the ER, but no one else was home, which first of all meant he won’t be able to come to the convention to meet me but even worst he needed help and no one was around to do that. I don’t know how he gat help but he went to the ER gat help and we couldn’t talk for weeks. I was really mad at him, but I wanted him to heal first before we could talk about it. After a few weeks, he had healed up and gat a new phone. I then texted him and said something like “ I understand you were hurt and that took priority and that it was all a mistake, but that was really irresponsible of you, knowing we were gonna met the next day to get that drunk, even after it all went down, what really hurt is that you never apologized to me about anything, not once in these past few weeks, like I know u were hurt and I am sorry but you didn’t acknowledge, not even a little bit what all this meant to me, I spent a lot of money to see you that that, took a trip and you weren’t even there, I was left alone somewhere I didn’t know, and I never even gat a sorry once out of you for it” and he got all defensive about the whole thing, saying oh that I wasn’t the only one affected, that he lost a lot too, people he wanted to be with that at the end he couldn’t , stuff he wanted to do, the whole recovery and stuff. This wasn’t a side of him I liked at all.. and things just died out from there, and were never met up. We still talk from time to time now as friends, he ever since I have noticed he does a lot of sh*t without thinking much about it and that’s not just cool with me. Like spending the night with 2 German strangers(coulple) his friend introduced him to, had s*x with them and stole a few things from their bathroom, like a book, post all about it on his Instagram account… btw there were like in their mid 30s and Fabio just celebrated his 19th birthday a few months back. I remember at first, when everything was still sweet with him, I coincidently found the Sia’s song “saved my life” more of less the same time we started talking, I felt like it was destiny trying to tell me it was my time, it was my turn, I had finally found him, I was finally there… turns out that’s just how close I ever gat, nowadays when ever I hear the song it has a different meaning.
School had just started, it had only been a few weeks, and I had French as one of my subjects. I don’t know how this works in other countries but here in Spain we usually have an foreign person come in to help the teacher teach a langue. Like if it was English for example we would have someone from the USA or UK come in and help with the classes for the rest of the year, this year we had a French boy come to help with our French classes. His name was Artur and he was 2 years younger than me. I remember the first day he came in, he looked shy and nervous, I don’t think he was expecting his student to be around his age. I could hear the whole class whispering stuff about him here and there, but I didn’t want to do that. So tho everyone was staring at him I tried not to do that because I imagine that would make him feel uncomfortable. I thought he was good looking and as always said to myself “He is probably straight so don’t even look”. After presenting ourselves we had to register at some site, and everyone was having trouble doing that. Our teacher Emma then went around and tried to help, while she did that I noticed Artur was walking over to me and I looked away quickly, he then stopped at my side and asked if he could help with the site.
Anyway that was about it for a week or 2, because we only had French classes with him once a week, and there we virtual, so I thought I would not see him in person much after the first day he came in to introduce himself. Buuut I ran into his profile in tinder. I was like O_O, like omg that’s him, that’s Artur. His profile said something like “I love nature, the rain and the ocean and that’s why I am here(and a French flag at the end)”. I didn’t look twice and quickly swipped right, but nothing…. I thought well that was disappointing, I hoped we would have matched so I could get to know him a little bit better. I went to bed imagining what could have been, surprising the next day when I went back into the app we had matched. I texted him, but gat no replay. Keep in mid this was my little secret, I didn’t want rumours of him being on tinder going around school, I would hate if that happened to me so I won’t do that to him. After 2 weeks I decided to text him again and this time he answered, but had no idea who I was at first, so I told him “Don’t be sacred and don’t block me, but I think I am one of your students” He was then really shocked but still was cool about it. We exchanged instagrams and talked a little bit there. A week later I asked my French teacher during class “If I were in France, and I met someone I like, I would I ask that person out on a date?” and she explained how to, so I wrote it down on my hand and took a picture of what I wrote on my hand and sent it to Artur. He was really excited and said “OUIIII” with a smiley face emoji. We planned it a few times but didn’t work out, I gad a lot of examens and didn’t have too much time to go out, then he went out for vacation for 2 weeks, then as soon as he gat back I gat covid, and after I recovered from that he then gat sick, and after that finally we gat together and went out to go grab a drink. It was a bit weird, but went smoothly. It was strange to have him teach class after that for him, because during our online classes with him, there were no special treatment, we acted as if we were just teacher and student. Sometimes when we are alone we talk about seeing each other again after class. Then we did again and this time we end up making out, and planned that next time we see each other we’ll watch a movie together at his place. Then the day finally came and coincidently it was also valentine's Day so I bought an edible rose I found at the supermarket on my way to his place. As soon as I gat there his roommate gat dressed and left, and we went to the kitchen where he had been trying to make me something but failed XD. Later during the movie I remembered about the rose and gave it to him, he smiled and said that was sweet and we kissed. I then felt thing escalating and I gat on top of him, we then went to the bed room and gat undressed, but for some reason he… had problems, there were no “rising” if you know what I mean, so we decided to stop and just finish the movie. As soon as we went back to the living room we noticed our pre-make out session had broken his glasses, I felt horrible and apologized like a million times about it. We watched the rest of the movie in silent and the atmosphere was soooo uncomfortable. I apologized some more and then left, I text him trying to say sorry for the night and that I don’t know what I was doing, that I am a virgen and I am still learning and maybe I should have been better, he said it was all fine and that it wasn’t my fault, he was just not in the mood for that. We planned to keep in touch, which we did, we texted a few times. I missed most of his classes after that, but we never really got together again after that. We had planned to go to so many places but never did and I guess it was because of that one incident at the end?. One of my classmates found out tho, she was shocked and wanted to know everything, I told her it was all a secret and she was cool with that. She would giggle and look at me whenever people in class talked about how good-looking and nice Artur was. My whole classes planned a “goodbye to Artur”, which would be in person, he would have to come to class in person for it, and I hadn’t seen him in person since…the incident…
The day came and we played some games and all said our goodbyes because soon our would be done. After the goodbyes, while everyone was standing around Artur came over to me and said “Hey… so how have you been?”. I said I have been fine and asked about him, we talked for a min or 2 and the class ended. And as I packed up my things my friend came over and said “He looked to nervous talking to you” I rolled my eyes and said “You have no idea”.
Side note to myself: At first he would talk about how he is not sure if he is doing a good job as a teacher because as time went on fewer and fewer people showed up for his classes, he also talked about his family, which surprisingly enough aren’t as perfect as I thought they would be giving how chill and focus he seemed.
Also as all of this was going on I met someone else, his name was Andrés. At first it was perfect, even before we met, I even remember him dropping an L bomb on me even before we met in person and I was like “Oh…thank you”. He was nice, I gat a good-morning text ever single day without a miss. Then we finally met and it went smoothly. He said he was relay happy to meet me and was looking forward to doing it again. Next time we were together he went for a walk in the woods and when it gat dark out snuggled up in the car. That’s when we first made out, it was great, I actually for the first time enjoyed being with someone se*ually, and things kinds died out from there. The next time we together nothing happened, he said he was just not in the mood for that which was fine and we watched a movie. But the goodmorning came in less and less, there wasn’t much left for us to talk about, our text were just goodmorning and goodnights to eachother for like almost a week before he stopped. I made sure there were no bad feelings at the end and went my way. Now here is the interesting part, at first, when we were getting to know eachother I noticed he took a lot of pictures at the gym with the same guy, I thought “Ok, maybe that’s just his gym buddy, np” but He later told me it was his ex, and they had just broke up a few months back, the whole thing was still so recent to him he cried the first time we made out. I remember him pulling back away from my lips and started cleaning his eyes out and I jokingly said “You are not crying are you lol?” and he went “IT’S NOT UR FAULT! IT’S NOT UR FAULT!” and then I said “OMG you are crying..” I then asked what was wrong and he told me that we were at the same spot he first made out with his ex, and I was the first person he had been with ever since. I then asked what happened between them, he said his had a psychological problem, and that between them. I could tell he didn’t wanna say what it was just yet, so I didn’t push. When I gat back home I took another look at the photos and they looked to happy together, his ex gat him into gym, he must feel lonely working out alone now… I felt really bad for him, knowing someone you loved so much had no choice but to leave you because to some psychological issue you have. They obviously cared a lot about each other. He told me he had phases where the illness would some how take control and his ex use to be able to help calm him. All of these new information changed things a little bit for me, what was it? Should I be afraid? It also made me feel like maybe I am doing more harm than anything else to him, I felt like bad for him and… I bad for myself thinking about how I never had that, about how maybe I am not sweet, nice or good-looking enough to deserve someone to care for me as much as these 2 cared about each other, it was a weird combination to feeling sorry for him and jealous at the sae time.
26-30, M