Self Sabotage

I’m really struggling with a pattern of self sabotage. I push people away when I feel we’re getting close because of something that happened when I was younger and it feels like it’s out of my control when it takes over my emotions. I feel disconnected and abandoned from myself and the other person and it makes me want to run and isolate. I’m hanging out with a friend and her family from work that I’ve become really close too and because of this pattern I’m feeling really emotional. It’s a battle between wanting to find a way out of it and confronting the fear that I will some how screw it up when really all I want is to keep building our friendship. I’m tired of pushing everyone away

The other side of it is choosing people who won’t require me to get close, people who are only about themselves, narcissistic pieces of crap. But they won’t ask me to really connect which used to feel safe. But now it feels hollow and when I snap out of it and set boundaries I have to fight an annoying person who isn’t above playing unfair.