I used to see the good in people
I haven't completely lost the ability, but it's much harder for me to acknowledge or even notice the positive attributes people bring to the table.
I'm not quite a misanthrope yet. I don't think everyone is an unwaveringly thoughtless and egocentric imbecile, though I notice much more acutely the times that they are. Even if I do recognize that the people around me occasionally have redeeming traits, it rather easily becomes dwarfed by their flaws and imperfections.
Extroverts and introverts have never quite been able to see eye-to-eye, so it's not surprising to be vexed by the constant noise they make. But what used to be a minor annoyance for me now feels like I'm being assaulted by their insatiable need for attention and validation. I don't know how I got this uptight, but it's clear my patience with that behavior has met its end.
I used to be able to dish the banter back out to them, and it was even fun at times. Maybe the depression has taken over more than I realized. The energy to engage with empty conversations and trivial whimsies no longer really exists. I usually either give a blank stare or a gruff reply when people try to leech some time away from me.
People at work are now reluctant to approach me and have even called me intimidating because of how much of a hardass I've become. It's fine by me, because I get to avoid interactions that I would have never had interest in anyway, but it is an isolating path.
It takes a lot longer and I have to do a fair bit of emotional digging to recognize people's strengths and to rationalize their weaknesses. I'm humble enough to realize that I also have my own reasons for my faults. A person's personality is ultimately a way they found to have their needs met when they were young and vulnerable. It's a reflection of the net sum of interactions they had with people around them, and they only come to bother me because they've grown accustomed to having trust and amicability with the people they meet. Maybe they see a good in me that I haven't fully embraced.
I'll be the first to admit that I've had god-awful luck with people in my life. From being raised by abusive and neglectful parents, to being such an ideal student teachers paid me no mind, to inevitably being too socially awkward to have good friends, and eventually towards lacking the social skills to woo any potential love interest. It became increasingly easier being the quiet one because that was the only way to avoid rejection.
And maybe there's some resentment underlying my motivations. I've never thought of myself as a petty or vindictive person, but there's some truth to the expression that misery loves company. By not playing other people's games or vibing with them, I realize that I'm denying them the satisfaction of using me for their good time. But I am also denying myself of a good time, and that's been a source of internal debate.
As much as I would like to be treated as a person, I've come to suspect that I've only ever been valued as entertainment or as an emotional outlet. And obviously that's going to fuel the skepticism and mistrust I've cultivated over the years. It's pretty a reasonable response to disengage from society and be more attuned to the mindless and ego-boosting behavior people employ for their own satisfaction, however harmless it may be.
I kinda wish I could break that cycle and have a healthier balance to my life, but it doesn't seem all that feasible with what I have to work with. I can still be silly and have momentary outbursts of joy with my dog, and there's no doubt that dog has been an immense boon for my mental health. It might annoy her sometimes too, but she's so sweet that she puts up with it because it makes me happy. One day I hope to be a little bit more like her.
I'm not quite a misanthrope yet. I don't think everyone is an unwaveringly thoughtless and egocentric imbecile, though I notice much more acutely the times that they are. Even if I do recognize that the people around me occasionally have redeeming traits, it rather easily becomes dwarfed by their flaws and imperfections.
Extroverts and introverts have never quite been able to see eye-to-eye, so it's not surprising to be vexed by the constant noise they make. But what used to be a minor annoyance for me now feels like I'm being assaulted by their insatiable need for attention and validation. I don't know how I got this uptight, but it's clear my patience with that behavior has met its end.
I used to be able to dish the banter back out to them, and it was even fun at times. Maybe the depression has taken over more than I realized. The energy to engage with empty conversations and trivial whimsies no longer really exists. I usually either give a blank stare or a gruff reply when people try to leech some time away from me.
People at work are now reluctant to approach me and have even called me intimidating because of how much of a hardass I've become. It's fine by me, because I get to avoid interactions that I would have never had interest in anyway, but it is an isolating path.
It takes a lot longer and I have to do a fair bit of emotional digging to recognize people's strengths and to rationalize their weaknesses. I'm humble enough to realize that I also have my own reasons for my faults. A person's personality is ultimately a way they found to have their needs met when they were young and vulnerable. It's a reflection of the net sum of interactions they had with people around them, and they only come to bother me because they've grown accustomed to having trust and amicability with the people they meet. Maybe they see a good in me that I haven't fully embraced.
I'll be the first to admit that I've had god-awful luck with people in my life. From being raised by abusive and neglectful parents, to being such an ideal student teachers paid me no mind, to inevitably being too socially awkward to have good friends, and eventually towards lacking the social skills to woo any potential love interest. It became increasingly easier being the quiet one because that was the only way to avoid rejection.
And maybe there's some resentment underlying my motivations. I've never thought of myself as a petty or vindictive person, but there's some truth to the expression that misery loves company. By not playing other people's games or vibing with them, I realize that I'm denying them the satisfaction of using me for their good time. But I am also denying myself of a good time, and that's been a source of internal debate.
As much as I would like to be treated as a person, I've come to suspect that I've only ever been valued as entertainment or as an emotional outlet. And obviously that's going to fuel the skepticism and mistrust I've cultivated over the years. It's pretty a reasonable response to disengage from society and be more attuned to the mindless and ego-boosting behavior people employ for their own satisfaction, however harmless it may be.
I kinda wish I could break that cycle and have a healthier balance to my life, but it doesn't seem all that feasible with what I have to work with. I can still be silly and have momentary outbursts of joy with my dog, and there's no doubt that dog has been an immense boon for my mental health. It might annoy her sometimes too, but she's so sweet that she puts up with it because it makes me happy. One day I hope to be a little bit more like her.
31-35, M
