Here is me

I have what is called comorbidity. I suffer from alcohol use syndrome and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The CPTSD is from prolonged physical and emotional child abuse. As it turns out, I drank to become numb from the PTSD. So, I am overcoming two brain disorders at the same time. I am in therapy for the PTSD. I will always have that, but the therapy is teaching me how to slow down and react to it, rather than proact to it as I used to. I also went through outpatient treatment for alcoholism, attend at least five group therapy (A.A.) meetings per week and have been sober for just over four years. But my family continues to reject me, preferring to define me by my past, rather than spending time with me and getting to know the person I am now. It just gives me one more struggle to cope with until I learn to overcome it and just stop trying to bring them along as I move forward in my recovery and therapy. It really, honestly hurts to get the worst stigma from my own wife and children.

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Graylight · 51-55, F

First, good for you. Whether or not they're recognized, your efforts at creating a healthy life for yourself are to be commended. And if you're wondering, we now assume almost everyone with an SUD also suffers a co-morbid condition like PTSD, anxiety, ADHA and the like. Can't heal until everything's addressed, right?

They call addiction a family disease with good reason. Basically, this is what's going on (and I'm betting you don't need it explained): [i]You [/i]know you're better than you were. [i]You[/i] can see how far you've come. [i]You [/i]sense the changes in yourself and your thoughts & behaviors.

But your family has a high hurdle to clear. Because not only do you have to show you're back around and healthier than before, but you have to [i]prove [/i]it to them. Because regular proof that might suffice for many will never again by sufficient when talking about you. They're used to expecting a rabbit and getting cheated.

You have keep showing through your actions how far you've come over and over and often without any recognition; that's one of the prices we pay for our addictions. Give them time and they'll learn to trust again, but it must be on their terms.

However, sometimes it happens - and this is important - that those surrounding you become either temporarily or permanently toxic to you. You have a clear choice: save yourself or play the odds that you can wait it out until things get better. Walking away isn't giving up - it can be saving your own life. It makes no sense to help a drowning victim onto your raft if that guy's gonna cut your throat.

Never say never, but it's okay for now to draw a clear boundary that says, "You're welcome to come share the journey, but if you impeded progress, I'll have to leave you behind." It's not easy; it can be like losing an arm to lose people. But if you're smart, your emotional, spiritual, mental and physical energies will be used to protect the invaluable things you've found on your road. Good luck.

Northguy1 · 56-60, M

@Graylight Thank you so much for your thoughtful and caring response. It means more to me than I can say. Maybe someday when they are older and have a bit of life experience of their own, things will change with them and they will see some things differently, but for right now, for my own recovery and serenity, they just have to remain behind, languishing in their own un-treated issues. I cannot help or change things that I did eight years ago when I was using. Yes, they were huge mistakes and I regret them. but I can't allow them to drag me backward, either. I have miles to go on this journey. In fact, I doubt it will end before I do. But I didn't get sick overnight, I won't get well overnight, and I deeply regret that I cannot recover completely within their timeframe. It is for my sake, and not for theirs, that I wish I could.

Graylight · 51-55, F

@Northguy1 It's the serenity prayer. Serenity to accept what we can't change - everything and everyone around us. Courage to change the one thing we can - us. And if anyone has achieved anything close to wisdom in this, let me know.

Hang in there, protect yourself and your sobriety and mental health like your life depends on it. Because it does. If that means building boundaries, so be it.

BlackUnicorn

Iv been there.
It’s horrible.
I could only advise to “grieve” the relationship that didn’t turn out to be as expected and gave you pain instead.
I had to do this.
My mom finally understood why I broke down when I did this.
Essentially I had to let go. And accept it’s gone.
The bond I have now with my family is one of like friends. Or just some people I know.
I feel like an orphan at times. But I’m glad I did that. I’m glad I let go.

Northguy1 · 56-60, M

@BlackUnicorn Thank you. I need to do this, too. It just interferes with my recovery and is toxic to me. What I feel sad about is that they didn't give me a chance, and I'm really liking the person I'm becoming. I really am. They're going to miss out on the dad I always wanted to be for them.

BlackUnicorn

@Northguy1 you will always be there dad brother son etc
You can’t afford them more opportunities to keep you at level one.
You are trying to spiritually, mentally and emotionally evolve.
To go up a level and be who you were meant to be.
Love will find you again. They will find you again.
Iv sent you something in your inbox

excusemeplease · 56-60, M

Seems that stigmas never walk alone.

leeloh · F

Well, at least you're trying.

Northguy1 · 56-60, M

@leeloh I am very sincerely trying. It isn't for them, it's for me. I want to know what it's like to be sane, rational and serene before I die. I think I deserve those things. I think everybody does. I hope that you are well, too. Because if you have the same or similar struggles, I want you to feel free to reach out to me, so you don't feel alone and isolated.

leeloh · F

@Northguy1 Therapy should help.

Northguy1 · 56-60, M

@leeloh The therapy for the CPTSD has been amazing so far.

Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F

They might be afraid to hope

Northguy1 · 56-60, M

@Justmeraeagain I am too, anymore.

Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F

@Northguy1 Yes,substance abuse takes its toll on the whole household. You have to decide what life you want to live. I hope you keep choosing soberity.

Northguy1 · 56-60, M

@Justmeraeagain Sobriety, with or without my family, has become too valuable to me now. I've heard it said in A.A. groups many times: "If you want your life to change, you have to change your life." This is true, and none of it is easy, or even comfortable, especially into my fifth year of sobriety as I start to deal with the issues that I drank to push away. Life, I know, will get easier. But I also know that there are two things that all alcoholics hate: For things to stay the same, and for things to change.

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