I'm off to see a therapist tomorrow

For my emotional numbness?. I think I mask and analyse a lot around people as a learned trauma response, but I lose touch with myself and feel a lot of shame inside. I think it runs deep and it's partly rooted in childhood and expectations of being male I learned from a young age.

I feel like I'm by myself in the world and like it's my identity, but I wanna feel joy with other people and in myself. It's like being an observer in my own life, improving myself like decorating a boat with a hole in it. I'm like my own jailer, i feel like the friends I want to have and the people I find interesting are always out of my reach.

Anyway I'm tired of living that way, tomorrow Im taking the first step on that journey and facing my past. Wish me luck.