I have come to realize

And, I have come to realize probably way to late in life, that everything I feel or don't feel is a product of my lack of action. It's my fault I'm miserable. It's my fault I don't have the courage to make the change. Although, courage isn't exactly the right word.

I have always just went with the flow. Even when that flow is leading to a big hole full of mud and sewage.

Why am I this way?

I am always the one who says OK. Always the one who sets aside their own needs and wants in order to attempt to make someone happy. I do what it takes to fulfill the needs of others and yet when I hint at something I might want, it is met with indifference or as if it is a chore that is only begrudgingly done...and then half assed at that.

I seek connection but am too damn oblivious to see it when it is there. I don't feel like I need affirmation or any such nonsense, but I do need comfort and a bit of human empathy. I am not looking for it here really. This is just a place to get my thoughts out of my head.

I am capable of making the changes, of blowing things up, starting from scratch. It would not be difficult, but it would be hard. I have become complacent and when faced with the reality, not fearful, but still not willing.

I have only myself to blame. What is missing is likely smack dab in front of my face and I am just to oblivious or stupid to change it.