How I feel lately

Lately, I've been struggling.
Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it.
I feel like I always put in 200%, but the rewards might just be 50%, it's never really what I want or how I want it to be. Maybe it's not worth all of my efforts, I'm starting to wonder.
Feeling like this for more than a week usually scares me, I'm afraid depression might be kicking in again, and I'm not prepared. If it is, then what I'm thinking and feeling is not real. How do you even differentiate between the two.
Maybe I'm just tired. I feel like I haven't had a real rest in 12 years.
I'm always pushing harder, want results faster, and whenever a goal is in sight, my mind starts questioning everything.
People like to build up towards things in their lives. All of my actions contribute to that too. But then why does my mind always want to break it all down and not care about it anymore.
It takes so much energy to act different than how I usually feel during these periods. It feels like lying to yourself, while trusting that this is not how you really feel.
I'm tired...

Casheyane · 31-35, F Best Comment

Can I ask? What makes you happy?
How does the list compare to the goals you are targeting?
How often do you enjoy moments?

Rest. But while you're at it, question. It's a tough challenge trying to change things around you, and when you can't, to change what is in you.

But sitting where I am now, I reckon it's one of the most beautiful things about being human. That our confusions can lead us to wonder, and maybe by asking, by discovering, by pushing forward and pressing on, we'll get there.

It's alright to wave the white flag. Rest.
Then when you're ready, get back up and fight. As to for what, it's your choice.

kimmy159 · F

@Casheyane Thanks for the reply, that's really deep & meaningful.

I get what you mean. The problem is indeed within me for sure, because basically, I have all the things that could make a person happy, and even an abundance of most of it. I'm just very immune to feeling it.

I try to focus on happy moments and telling myself 'this was a nice day, should make you feel happy'. But even so, I think I just have a lack of the happiness hormone to be honest. And I don't want to be dependent on meds to fix it. I tried that route and it's not a good one for me either.

To answer your question more specifically, I chase all the goals that make me somewhat happy too. But reaching them doesn't make me feel happy for more than a few days or so. And deep within me, there's a self- destruction tendency, constantly telling me to drop everything I've built. It's hard to overcome that feeling (although that's exactly what I do time and time again, just pushing through and not listening to that desire to ruin it.) But that's exactly what will always cost me a lot of energy and make me feel tired too.

To put it short, being happy and persuing it, often takes more energy than I have. It feels like it's always hanging on a thin thread to just say eff it all.

Casheyane · 31-35, F

@kimmy159 I think the thing most people fail to realize is that happiness really lasts only moments.

But the memories of it can give you strength. If you're afraid of losing what you have built, may I suggest you try to share the blessings you do have? Be selective of who you share it with.

But the happiness that lasts a while in my experience are those that are the results of the effort you give in bettering others.

Of course, I am only speaking from my own point of view and experience.
But take it from someone who had the same thought about asking why I am not happy when I pretty much have what one would need tp be happy...people always want what they don't have
It is a challenge in itself to be content. And when things become so hard I feel struggling, that may be my soul telling me to go to God.

Maybe there are things you ought to do, but you just haven't realized it yet. Sometimes, the things we consider important at one point, may not really be what is best and what would give our life purpose. Just a thought I thought I'd share. Because I learned it the hard way.