What if I'm mentally not okay?

Like idk, I keep wondering lately. I've been through a lot of trauma. I've never really known how to deal with anything. I just carry on so pointlessly.

I have this relationship with death where I just feel comfortable with it. I think of it a lot & I feel like it watches me, waiting. I've put myself in extremely dangerous situations so many times without a care... & in the back of my mind I know if it kills me, I'm fine with that. Because I just think "cool, at least I won't be here".

I see the world for what it is & for that I can't be happy. Happiness is just in moments, not a true state of mind. Just like everything else. It's all just moments.
Kinda like how we all only exist, for a moment.
Then we're gone.

So meh... idk. Maybe there's something wrong with me