I Write So I Won't Go Mad
As I write this, I am experiencing extreme anxiety while in my cubicle. My chest aching due to high levels of cortisol. Tears filling my eyes, but not enough to flow down.
“You are just being dramatic” is what I hear most of the time. “Nothing to be anxious about”, “You need to get over it”.
August 2019 and April 2021
Seasons of extreme excitement
8/19
I just got back from Vassar College and getting ready for graduation from BMCC, when I got shocking news that destroyed my peace for a year and almost ended my marriage. And it has been left as a “to be continued”.
04/21
After accepting and moving forward, I was finally starting to feel happy. I just landed a 65k/year position at one of the top 3 marketing companies and the office was at 3rd World Trade Center. I was feeling real good about myself. Then, I found something out. Feelings of self-harm became overwhelming. I just wanted to burn it all and disappear. But where would I go?
Here I am starting to feel happy. I am enjoying my progresses. But now, the neuro connections from my past emotional traumatic experiences are making me feel anxious, paranoid, and impulsive. For now, I self-medicate, but for how long before I let all the anger and pain out so I don’t have to show happiness?
“You are just being dramatic” is what I hear most of the time. “Nothing to be anxious about”, “You need to get over it”.
August 2019 and April 2021
Seasons of extreme excitement
8/19
I just got back from Vassar College and getting ready for graduation from BMCC, when I got shocking news that destroyed my peace for a year and almost ended my marriage. And it has been left as a “to be continued”.
04/21
After accepting and moving forward, I was finally starting to feel happy. I just landed a 65k/year position at one of the top 3 marketing companies and the office was at 3rd World Trade Center. I was feeling real good about myself. Then, I found something out. Feelings of self-harm became overwhelming. I just wanted to burn it all and disappear. But where would I go?
Here I am starting to feel happy. I am enjoying my progresses. But now, the neuro connections from my past emotional traumatic experiences are making me feel anxious, paranoid, and impulsive. For now, I self-medicate, but for how long before I let all the anger and pain out so I don’t have to show happiness?
36-40, F
