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I Write So I Won't Go Mad

As I write this, I am experiencing extreme anxiety while in my cubicle. My chest aching due to high levels of cortisol. Tears filling my eyes, but not enough to flow down.
“You are just being dramatic” is what I hear most of the time. “Nothing to be anxious about”, “You need to get over it”.
August 2019 and April 2021
Seasons of extreme excitement
I just got back from Vassar College and getting ready for graduation from BMCC, when I got shocking news that destroyed my peace for a year and almost ended my marriage. And it has been left as a “to be continued”.
After accepting and moving forward, I was finally starting to feel happy. I just landed a 65k/year position at one of the top 3 marketing companies and the office was at 3rd World Trade Center. I was feeling real good about myself. Then, I found something out. Feelings of self-harm became overwhelming. I just wanted to burn it all and disappear. But where would I go?

Here I am starting to feel happy. I am enjoying my progresses. But now, the neuro connections from my past emotional traumatic experiences are making me feel anxious, paranoid, and impulsive. For now, I self-medicate, but for how long before I let all the anger and pain out so I don’t have to show happiness?
Queendragonfly · 31-35, F
Plenty of studies have linked marijuana usage with symptoms of aggression and paranoia and in some cases hallucinations or psychosis.

I would never recommended it to someone with trauma or anxiety.

When you stop taking it you will definitely find yourself moodier than ever. You will have no tolerance. Easy to snap and walk around in crippling anxiety and fear/paranoia.

This is your body reacting to not getting what it's used to. And you gotta be strong and resist the urges. Replace it with a grounding technique or something else that centers you.

I recommend seeing a therapist while you're quitting. It's good to have a new focus.
CheshireAzur · 36-40, F
@Queendragonfly May I see where you are getting this information?

I lasted a few months without marijuana and only "withdrawal" was lack of appetite.

Additionally, I had bad anxiety before smoking marijuana, and now I can do a presentation and kill it. 🤷🏾‍♀️
Queendragonfly · 31-35, F
Anyone who's high will relax more. The problem is you get addicted.
CheshireAzur · 36-40, F
@Queendragonfly Shopping can be addictive as well as sex. Your point?
Deceased · M
I understand those feelings all too well. If not for my writing I probably would of lost whats left of my sanity by now.
Nick1 · 61-69, M
You really need some professional help. Self medication may affect you adversely.
You may need real good support too.
Have you thought about joining some support group?
Nick1 · 61-69, M
@CheshireAzur Psychoanalysis can be effective if done right. There are different ways they can help you.
Best thing is having a good support.
CheshireAzur · 36-40, F
@Nick1 "Good support"

Oh, gee yeah let me just pull that out of the sky.
Nick1 · 61-69, M
@CheshireAzur awwwww 🤗

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