I Express Myself Through Writing
Do you think there are some people in the world who just aren't meant to be in a relationship?
Here I am, in the beginnings of a new relationship. It was not planned, not even on my radar, when it began. I wasn't planning on falling into anything, but I have noticed that a lot of my self-work has paid off, and I feel like a more confident person who understands her boundaries and is able to maintain them (even while in a relationship). So, even though I wasn't looking for a serious relationship, when it sprung upon me, I thought, "Well, this isn't the worst thing that could happen. You're prepared now. Just see where it goes."
Well... the jury is still out, but there is a strong possibility that I might have been wrong.
I'm two months into the relationship now, and I see old habits and tendencies starting to rear their ugly heads. The good news is that I can see them now. I'm able to identify them, and make interventions in the moment instead of giving into them. So that shows growth. The bad news is that the habits are still here. It's kind of frustrating really. I thought that I had wiped them out with all of my journaling, processing, observations, and distance. But the fragments of the old, insecure me seem to just lurk around the corner, like ghosts, waiting to consume me at the slightest sign of fear.
What's going on currently is that there are a lot of beautiful people in the world, and now that I'm dating someone I'm starting to notice them more. It makes me wonder why my boyfriend is with me, and makes me wonder if I'm good enough. The insecure thoughts pile up to the point that I feel like I can't wear anything that I own because I don't look good enough in the clothes, and then I stress out over social media, continuing to compare myself to the people that I am not.
I haven't cared about what people thought of the way I looked for months. It's weird that it's all coming back up now. For a second I thought that journaling about it might help me be able to challenge the illogical thoughts better, but then I came to a better solution... if I don't feel like I look good enough, then I'm going to get back into the habit of working out. If I don't feel smart enough or successful enough, I'm going to pick up a new book or train/work harder at my job.
Moping about where I am is not the solution. Recognizing the areas where I would like to improve, and then moving toward those aspirations in a healthy way is a solution. So, as soon as I'm done writing this post I'm going to pick up a book and get started. I can't expect to feel good about myself if I'm not actively doing anything good for myself. I have to be the light for myself if I want the shadows of insecurity to fade away.
Here I am, in the beginnings of a new relationship. It was not planned, not even on my radar, when it began. I wasn't planning on falling into anything, but I have noticed that a lot of my self-work has paid off, and I feel like a more confident person who understands her boundaries and is able to maintain them (even while in a relationship). So, even though I wasn't looking for a serious relationship, when it sprung upon me, I thought, "Well, this isn't the worst thing that could happen. You're prepared now. Just see where it goes."
Well... the jury is still out, but there is a strong possibility that I might have been wrong.
I'm two months into the relationship now, and I see old habits and tendencies starting to rear their ugly heads. The good news is that I can see them now. I'm able to identify them, and make interventions in the moment instead of giving into them. So that shows growth. The bad news is that the habits are still here. It's kind of frustrating really. I thought that I had wiped them out with all of my journaling, processing, observations, and distance. But the fragments of the old, insecure me seem to just lurk around the corner, like ghosts, waiting to consume me at the slightest sign of fear.
What's going on currently is that there are a lot of beautiful people in the world, and now that I'm dating someone I'm starting to notice them more. It makes me wonder why my boyfriend is with me, and makes me wonder if I'm good enough. The insecure thoughts pile up to the point that I feel like I can't wear anything that I own because I don't look good enough in the clothes, and then I stress out over social media, continuing to compare myself to the people that I am not.
I haven't cared about what people thought of the way I looked for months. It's weird that it's all coming back up now. For a second I thought that journaling about it might help me be able to challenge the illogical thoughts better, but then I came to a better solution... if I don't feel like I look good enough, then I'm going to get back into the habit of working out. If I don't feel smart enough or successful enough, I'm going to pick up a new book or train/work harder at my job.
Moping about where I am is not the solution. Recognizing the areas where I would like to improve, and then moving toward those aspirations in a healthy way is a solution. So, as soon as I'm done writing this post I'm going to pick up a book and get started. I can't expect to feel good about myself if I'm not actively doing anything good for myself. I have to be the light for myself if I want the shadows of insecurity to fade away.
31-35, F
