I Express Myself Through Writing

Today I feel like I am desperately trying to hold on to love but it feels like it's already gone, just out of my reach. That makes very sad. I love him a lot and I really want to make things work, but he is very negative and I just find myself not wanting to be around him. He holds onto what is wrong instead of trying to find a way to make it right. If he can't let go, how can we grow as a couple. I tell him all the time about this, but he doesn't listen. He says he wants to be happy but predicates his happiness on a certain few events happening in order for him to be happy and that usually involves me behaving in some way that he finds acceptable. I know that him changing and him being happy is his choice, I know that his negativity is a result of having no control over me, and his choice. So today I am sad...

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Penny · 46-50, F

to get love you have to give love also. is there somewhere you are also inflexibly holding on your own negativity? sound slike you dont want to give him control of some aspect of yourself because you dont trust his outlook or attitude. should you maybe give in a little and offer some of this trust and see if that is enough to effect a change in him. they say you cant expect people to change for you, but its not an impossibility for people to grow and mature and change ove rtime. is there any way you can bring yourself to accept his flaws in thinking?

mljenkins · 51-55, F

@Penny I accept his flaws, I have pretty much seen them from the get go. I just asked him if his way of dealing with his life was still working for him and he said no. I asked him if he was hurting and he said yes. I didn't tell him he needed to change, I just shared my own experiences of changing and hurting and what I did to change my life. Now I know that my way isn't necessarily going to be his way, and i also know that he needs to find his own way. And he can take what he needs from the story i shared with him. It's the 12 step way of life, take what you need, leave the rest.
I am, however, realizing that I am trying to fill childhood voids through my relationship with him as he is with me. Understanding this dynamic allows me to understand my own needs and his as well. Of course there is much more to this, and this is basically a very simplistic explanation.
He suggested that we go to therapy and I agreed. Because there is some grain of truth in our criticisms of each other.

Thank you for giving me an alternative way to view my situation.

Penny · 46-50, F

@mljenkins youre welcome. :) hope therapy helps. sounds like you two love each other very much. they say love conquers all. good luck to the both of you.

trackman11 · 61-69, M

I am sorry. I hope he discovers the self confidence to let you be you.

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