Why cant i control myself? How can i fix myself?

Back when i was a little kid, between 5-8, i had been punished several times because of my mistakes not only by my parents, but also my uncles. I couldn't control anything and i can't stay behave back then. Do you know the feeling when your controlling your actions, but actually not? Yeah, that's what i always feel.

Fast forward to when its the 1st day of 7nth grade, i am still the same old clumsy, and "bad" daughter that's trying everything to change. On the first day i swore myself to not get a head of myself and start being a real teen, but no, it didn't work. I really cant control myself. During 7nth grade ive been nothing but a classmate who's noisy, dumb, and everything a student is avoiding to become, and obviously ive been called out by the teachers a lot of times.

The worst part is i am so sensitive, every time any one gets angry at me i engrave it deeply into my heart and mind leading me not to forget every mistake i had done. Sometimes i accidentally say not so good things to my classmates, and thats another thing i hate myself for One time a teacher said. "Mrs. Ocean, do you not think of your actions? Why don't i transfer you to the lowest section of this school and compare you to other kids in that section. Oh wait, then we wouldn't be able to spot you."

In front of my goddamn class. I swear i wanted to cry so hard that time. (the reason why the teachers said that is because i laughed at my friends drawing of my classmates funny face.) Mind you i am trying every ounce of my mental power to change myself into a better person. Now i am at 9nth grade and i decided to take homeschool and isolate myself from everyone because my source of uncontrollable state comes from things that excites and makes me happy the most.

JollyRoger · 70-79, M

You are carrying a lot of pain for a situation that is very 'historical'. However you say you are working at bettering yourself?

Let's drop the 'stuff' from school and work on your personal relationships?
1/ Are you trustworthy? (Do you do what you say you'll do and do you not put people down for their actions?) IF so, then that's a positive trait that you have already mastered!!
2/ Are you honest? Do you tell the truth and not manipulate people to your own advantage? IF so, then that's another good thing to keep doing.
3/ Do you tell people that you appreciate them a) as friends; b) as family? That's a very important thing to do because friends and family are the ones who protect you - and you protect them!
4/ Do you feel you are an important person in your own life? Can you look in the mirror and say, "I love you. You are intelligent and you are compulsive, but you are not doing anyone any harm!!"
If you can do these things then you are what other people would say is "Normal". Just give yourself a break - don't think of the past as something to forget - think of it as having been a learning experience - after all, that's what living is about: Try hard to do good, but if you make mistakes you learn from them!!

Adrift · 61-69, F

So how are you doing with homeschooling?
Are you able to get the work done and getting the grades?

4meAndyou · F

It sounds as though you need to see a mental health professional; a Psychiatrist. Because your complete inability to control yourself, even thought you WANT to, MIGHT stem from a borderline personality disorder. There are medications they might be able to give you that MIGHT help.