Hi, im new.

Okay, hi, I don't speak English very well, so please excuse me if I make mistakes. The thing is, I'm almost 19 years old. I was sexually abused when I was about 9 or 10, and since then I've grown up feeling uncomfortable with any physical contact, like a hug or a kiss. I hate kissing, and I also hate being looked in the eyes. It's a lot of things going on. I feel disgusting because I'm fat. I weigh 45 kg and I'm 1.52 cm tall. Sometimes I go for walks, other times I just starve myself, and then I have moments when I eat too much. On the other side, I tried to commit last year. The doctor who was treating me got very "physical" with me, and that made me feel uncomfortable, so I lied to other doctors about being fine and going home. Since then, I feel like this past year hasn't been me, like I'm just wearing a shell of my former self, and I don't want to do anything, I have no motivation for anything. I only have one friend, I don't have a job, and I'm trying to fix that so I'm not always stuck in my room. Idk, there are so many things I want to say.