Nothing helps.

Every day I push all the helpful things on myself. I wake up and do cardio, I eat healthy, I journal, I take nature walks as often as possible. I try to make my son and my dog feel happy and loved.

But I feel nothing besides emptiness and pain.

My life was never like this. I was always brimming with joy. Woke up ready for anything and made the most of every day.

These days I force health on myself, but I can't fake happiness. I hate it because I want my son to see me happy. I want to raise a happy child but I'm failing.

Believe me I've tried everything. Therapy, meds, behavioral centers, shadow work, self improvement, more solitude, being more social, trying new things, adventures, ect, ECT...

All I've learned is that nobody gives a shit about me and I'm not enough alone. This is not cop out, this is nothing to wave your finger at and say try harder. There is no getting better. I've done more than most in half the lifespan and I'm starting to wonder if all the knowledge and experience is what is depressing me. I searched high and low for myself, for joy, for the beauty and good that's abundant around us all the time. Yet I'm so completely miserable.

I love life. I really do. But I find no joy in daily life. Trying to make others happy. Trying to make myself happy. When did I become so awful? Because feeling this way makes me even less inclined to get help.

Im sick of myself. I'm sick of needing help so bad but nothing works. I'm sick of being a human and needing so much to exist. Every morning I wake up and it starts.

I don't know what to do. The only people I want to talk to are dead.

I hate this. I know the solution isn't on SW, not looking for advice or sympathy, BELIEVE ME I know not to expect it on the Internet. Just crying into the void of humanity where there's no one with the authority to lock me away.