Random weird thoughts

I randomly remembered the fact that sometimes before if I was super angry or super depressed for whatever reason I would use my nails to scratch my arms, hard. It doesn't happen as often now and only when I've gotten furious at a game or something. I think it is still a form of self harm but not to the extent of cutting, I'm way too afraid to do that. But my brain doesn't really register scratching as self harm I think. I can say "oh yeah it's self harm" but my brain will be like "No no, self harm is way worse than that, stop faking this shit. There's nothing wrong with you, you're fine."

Anxiety has gotten a bit better, but I feel like that's temporary. You know it's bad when of all things the web-series 'Salad Fingers' has comforted me :/ I'd like to not shut down at the beginning of my last year in highschool? That'd be nice. Kinda need to do good this year and get into an art college I like...I am not gonna survive the real world :) my graduation will be the true beginning of the end

(edit)
a little more I just thought of..none of this makes sense btw
I'm basically stuck in this pit/cycle of noticing something wrong, worrying about it, calming down and feeling normal again. Nothing is wrong yet everything is wrong at the same time. I don't know if I can even be "fixed", I think I was too far gone long ago. I've passed the point of no return years ago. I don't even have a reason for feeling the way I do, that just makes me even more ridiculous and selfish. I go to a great private school, I have a stable household, not homeless, not going hungry, have a wonderful boyfriend I don't deserve, I have almost everything I could need. Yet I still feel terrible. Just because my brain is acting weird doesn't mean it's an excuse to be the way I am, but I just don't know what to do.....this is just a rant about nothing again