Depersonalization?
Ever since I was young, I built daydreams. I would watch tv shows and love the premise but hate what they did with it. I would imagine it differently, everything I would imagine differently. It went from small things like that, to my own life. It was my way to cope, every disappointment I would block out with something nicer. Every trauma, conflict, hurt. I would imagine it differently. It isn’t as if I believe it to be true, no I’m self aware that it’s definitely not reality but I created this world in my head almost. Somewhere with pure love, somewhere peaceful. I would retreat to that place constantly but now, I can’t even do simple things without it coming up. I sincerely don’t know what has been happening to me. I constantly get sucked into my mind. I could be doing something mundane like having a conversation but then it’s as if I just keep leaving even if what I’m doing isn’t at all disappointing. I am not present, I don’t feel there but instead in the back of my head imagining it differently. It feels so pathetic at times. I’m grateful for what I have of course but I can’t stop retreating into my mind. I can’t control it. I’m so scared of this and I so badly wish I was content, that this would stop.