Depersonalization?

Ever since I was young, I built daydreams. I would watch tv shows and love the premise but hate what they did with it. I would imagine it differently, everything I would imagine differently. It went from small things like that, to my own life. It was my way to cope, every disappointment I would block out with something nicer. Every trauma, conflict, hurt. I would imagine it differently. It isn’t as if I believe it to be true, no I’m self aware that it’s definitely not reality but I created this world in my head almost. Somewhere with pure love, somewhere peaceful. I would retreat to that place constantly but now, I can’t even do simple things without it coming up. I sincerely don’t know what has been happening to me. I constantly get sucked into my mind. I could be doing something mundane like having a conversation but then it’s as if I just keep leaving even if what I’m doing isn’t at all disappointing. I am not present, I don’t feel there but instead in the back of my head imagining it differently. It feels so pathetic at times. I’m grateful for what I have of course but I can’t stop retreating into my mind. I can’t control it. I’m so scared of this and I so badly wish I was content, that this would stop.

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RedGrizzly · 26-30, F

I did this a lot when I was a teenager. It was an escape and still could be. I've noticed the more you visualize, it's like a muscle you keep working out....you get better at it to where you could even create 3D images in your head or see color through music (music helped focus my visualizations, so it's natural to be able to see color because it's setting a tone for your world)...it basically strengthens spatial intelligence doing this. Having those skills can be helpful outside of your head, say from an artistic standpoint for obvious reasons. I found it helps when I'm trying to fix something too or diagnosing an issue because of how sensitive you become with sounds, touch, and being able to visualize off memory of what certain issues may look like. So it has its silver lining....

Butttttt the more you retreat, it becomes more preferred as a defense mechanism (which are autonomous). Of course, this happens regardless of how miniscule that stress could be and that stress could be completely unrelated to what you're doing in the moment. I believe the moment I stopped retreating into that imaginary world was when I started writing stories and poems. Got great at transcribing the world in my head to being a world on paper, so there's no more withdrawal into the shell of myself. Maybe that could help you to dial it back?

Noticed, I said dial it back. I'm sorry, but it is closely correlated to having dissociative episodes or being prone to dissociative disorders. So bear that in mind when you become stressed or (hopefully not) go through any traumatic events.

Anyways, beyond that disclaimer, if you choose to write feel free to share your writings with me. I'd love to read it and I may send you some of my own with you that I don't post up on here. 😄

fortunesfool · 13-15, M

@RedGrizzly You explained it perfectly. For me it’s almost like 3D images too, pretty much envisioning movie-like sequences. Whenever I willingly do it, I listen to music as well. Reading this felt so validating, knowing that there’s others who have dealt with this honestly makes me feel a lot less alone. And!! I adore writing so so much. I don’t have many works yet but I do have many ideas that I pretty much all get from retreating into that place. I’ll try to begin jotting it down on paper like you because you’re very right, I should dial it down and honestly this does feel like the best way to do that. I can try to dig up a decent piece of mine to send to you. Thank you for this, really.

RedGrizzly · 26-30, F

@fortunesfool I'm so happy to hear I was able to help ya out there! 😄 But yes, you're not alone by a long shot! Once you're able to hone it in, you'll find that what you have can be a gift! Put them earbuds in, deep breaths, and get to writing because who the heck knows you could be the next Rowling or Stephen King. If not, this gift can be used in other ways requiring your senses. ☺️

Onasander · 41-45, M

These are all Basal Ganglia linked functions, and is actually a normal stable personality type.

Here:

https://www.mentalsymmetry.com/exhorter-detail.htm

In his theory I'm a INTJ Contributor. Everything you described is generic Exhorter.

He has alot more on his website, but links everything in the basal ganglia to cranial nerves, which is interlinked to your MBTI Type (the author is a INTJ Perceiver according to his theory). The tests online are free and sorta accurate (I'm much better at testing people in person).

https://www.16personalities.com

If you take the tests and read up a bit we can work out a bit more what is wrong, and what is actually quite normal and to be expected.

fortunesfool · 13-15, M

@Onasander I read the link on the Exhorter type, I felt like I relate to most of what it’s described as but the part about having a loud voice I felt was a little less relatable. I feel like from there it just described everything I wish I was but currently am not. I tend to observe more on the sidelines rather than in the center to be completely honest. I also took the test (a few times to make sure) on 16 personalities and was typed with infp, it was really interesting to read about that. Thank you for sharing this :)

Onasander · 41-45, M

@fortunesfool if you are ever more interested in going more indepth, hit me up.

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