Need to vent

I have been feeling down recently, and I've had several suicidal thoughts. I haven't attempted, because I'm too scared to, but I have self h@rmed, although it's been about a week, and they have healed most of the way. There is this person I like, and I know that the person likes me back (we both confessed to each other, but neither of us were mentally stable enough for a relationship), but they haven't been talking to me much anymore, and they haven't been responding to my messages. I wish I had someone to hold me :[ I also miss my previous girlfriend. She broke up w/me on Valentine's Day, so that hurt a lot, but she said that she saw me as more of a friend, so I respected her and said it was fine. ik it sounds cheesy, but I wish I had someone to love me as more than a friend. I also can't talk to my ex any more bc her parents are super strict and made her delete all of her social media, & she doesn't have a phone so we can't message at all as just friends.

I've just been really down lately, although I'm pretty good at hiding it.

My parents are also making me go to Christian counselling, and I've told them explicitly that I don't want a Christian counselor bc of how I am, but they choose to ignore me. They also said I have no say in where I go for counselling, even though it's my mental health, so I should get to at least help choose. :[

I have also been having trouble with a "friend" who keeps being an a-hole to me, and bullies me. At least they stop when I yell at them (just saying stop in a normal tone doesn't work)

I'm also having trouble with trying to figure out who I am, and it's really hard to experiment with strict, conservative, Christian parents. At least they are letting me get my hair cut soon :]