(lonely& long) Storytime because I can't take it anymore
(I have never used anything like this before so I genuinely have no idea if there are other "unspoken" rules or anything like that, I just looked up places where I can vent to and that was the first one that came up+english is not my native language too)
I just need to put my thoughts and feelings somewhere because I don't have anyone else. I've been dealing with loneliness for a long time now and It's just so draining, I have tried so many things nothing seems to work (joining groups, inserting myself in) I do meet friendly people but they're just nice and aren't my friends or don't want to be my friends (I know it takes time but I always get ignored or people use me and then leave me) I just can't take it anymore in my entire life I never seem to have a genuine relationship with anyone at all-I still go to school and there is one friend(?) I like but they always hang out with their group and whenever I'm with them I always get treated as a joke and when I try to talk about that, they just be like "sorry" and that's it, am I weird for thinking that is weird? Because I know this "friend" for a long time and when I'm talking to them or hanging out with them alone I'm really happy but at the same time I'm feeling scared(? I don't know how to describe it but it's like my happiness is dependent by them and the way they treat me) Also another point is that my personality is kinda difficult emotionally wise(I don't know exactly what I have, I will get mentally diagnosed in a few months) and people have trouble to deal with me/my emotions, this is what most people tell me (like bro that hurts on a different level), for example people make fun of me and then when I respond back they be like "it's just a joke, don't take everything so seriously" and I don't even get that mad I just confused and I don't get violent or anything, whenever that happens I keep calm and ask why they would say that or sometimes when I make a joke back everyone goes quiet. The second thing is that I'm not conveniently pretty at my school this plays a huge role, at first I didn't care I thought I was fine and then again everyone including my family told me that I got ugly/a glow down, that I'm "underdeveloped" and that I'm "below average" and it's so crazy how pretty privilege at my school is, one time where I looked "pretty" people have treated me better on that one day then they have treated me for YEARS. And I try to get better but nothing seems to work, don't get me wrong I know it's okay to be alone and sometimes I enjoy it but I hate being treated as a joke, I hate having no friends who I'm happy with. I just hate being so lonely that I have to write all that one this website just because today was my final straw. This wasn't even the actual storytime, I try to keep it short: So my "friend" where with their group and for some reason they wanted me to look good in front of someone and they gave me random compliments and then later they told me: "the compliments were all a joke, obviously!!" Like hahaha so funny now I hate myself
I just need to put my thoughts and feelings somewhere because I don't have anyone else. I've been dealing with loneliness for a long time now and It's just so draining, I have tried so many things nothing seems to work (joining groups, inserting myself in) I do meet friendly people but they're just nice and aren't my friends or don't want to be my friends (I know it takes time but I always get ignored or people use me and then leave me) I just can't take it anymore in my entire life I never seem to have a genuine relationship with anyone at all-I still go to school and there is one friend(?) I like but they always hang out with their group and whenever I'm with them I always get treated as a joke and when I try to talk about that, they just be like "sorry" and that's it, am I weird for thinking that is weird? Because I know this "friend" for a long time and when I'm talking to them or hanging out with them alone I'm really happy but at the same time I'm feeling scared(? I don't know how to describe it but it's like my happiness is dependent by them and the way they treat me) Also another point is that my personality is kinda difficult emotionally wise(I don't know exactly what I have, I will get mentally diagnosed in a few months) and people have trouble to deal with me/my emotions, this is what most people tell me (like bro that hurts on a different level), for example people make fun of me and then when I respond back they be like "it's just a joke, don't take everything so seriously" and I don't even get that mad I just confused and I don't get violent or anything, whenever that happens I keep calm and ask why they would say that or sometimes when I make a joke back everyone goes quiet. The second thing is that I'm not conveniently pretty at my school this plays a huge role, at first I didn't care I thought I was fine and then again everyone including my family told me that I got ugly/a glow down, that I'm "underdeveloped" and that I'm "below average" and it's so crazy how pretty privilege at my school is, one time where I looked "pretty" people have treated me better on that one day then they have treated me for YEARS. And I try to get better but nothing seems to work, don't get me wrong I know it's okay to be alone and sometimes I enjoy it but I hate being treated as a joke, I hate having no friends who I'm happy with. I just hate being so lonely that I have to write all that one this website just because today was my final straw. This wasn't even the actual storytime, I try to keep it short: So my "friend" where with their group and for some reason they wanted me to look good in front of someone and they gave me random compliments and then later they told me: "the compliments were all a joke, obviously!!" Like hahaha so funny now I hate myself
16-17, F
