It all goes to sh!t for me
I dropped a friend a few years ago because she'd go behind my back with a lot of things, she'd lie to me then gaslight me when I figured out the truth. I honestly thought she was my bestie forever but she made me feel stupid a lot of times.. so I just dropped her.
Now I have another friend and I'm not even gonna try to explain the problems I have with her. I feel stupid once again because my friend never invites me to things. Her friends at school are also my friends so we talk and laugh together every day, but they still leave me out of their weekend plans. They talk about going out when I'm around and then they never invite me. They share stories and funny moments that happened on their little trips at school with me and they tell me "it's so sad that you couldn't come", but I'm never invited. They always manage to start new inside jokes between themselves and reference certain moments that happened when I wasn't around, and they explain it to me sometimes, but often I'm getting the "haha it's a long story" sort of answer.
My friend knows that I hate being lied to, that I don't trust just anyone, but I don't get hurt easily. I was at peace with the fact that from the moment my ex best friend lied to me I was not gonna be able to trust anyone as truly and fully as I did with her. So I'm a little upset at my current friend, upset but not surprised or disappointed by any means. The thing is, the good vibes and laughter at school in between lessons was sort of my reason to attend and wake up in the morning. Now that I'm upset at my friend I don't want to lash out at her or behave rudely just because she finds comfort going out with other people instead of me. So I stayed home for the day and slept in.. I can't believe the realization that I don't actually matter to anyone hits so hard even when I've known this all my life. It sounds so corny and stupid to say but I think I was born to be alone.. because no one really enjoys my presence and I can feel that all the time with classmates, friends, parents, siblings. They all only like me when they need something, when they want someone to listen to their problems and keep their secrets. I wouldn't bear to burden them more with the guilt of not treating me well so I never speak up about it.. in the end the only time I truly feel safe and happy is when I'm on my own.
Now I have another friend and I'm not even gonna try to explain the problems I have with her. I feel stupid once again because my friend never invites me to things. Her friends at school are also my friends so we talk and laugh together every day, but they still leave me out of their weekend plans. They talk about going out when I'm around and then they never invite me. They share stories and funny moments that happened on their little trips at school with me and they tell me "it's so sad that you couldn't come", but I'm never invited. They always manage to start new inside jokes between themselves and reference certain moments that happened when I wasn't around, and they explain it to me sometimes, but often I'm getting the "haha it's a long story" sort of answer.
My friend knows that I hate being lied to, that I don't trust just anyone, but I don't get hurt easily. I was at peace with the fact that from the moment my ex best friend lied to me I was not gonna be able to trust anyone as truly and fully as I did with her. So I'm a little upset at my current friend, upset but not surprised or disappointed by any means. The thing is, the good vibes and laughter at school in between lessons was sort of my reason to attend and wake up in the morning. Now that I'm upset at my friend I don't want to lash out at her or behave rudely just because she finds comfort going out with other people instead of me. So I stayed home for the day and slept in.. I can't believe the realization that I don't actually matter to anyone hits so hard even when I've known this all my life. It sounds so corny and stupid to say but I think I was born to be alone.. because no one really enjoys my presence and I can feel that all the time with classmates, friends, parents, siblings. They all only like me when they need something, when they want someone to listen to their problems and keep their secrets. I wouldn't bear to burden them more with the guilt of not treating me well so I never speak up about it.. in the end the only time I truly feel safe and happy is when I'm on my own.
