I dont wanna simply exist

I dont wanna kill myself, I simply dont wanna exist. I have thought about killing myself multiple times but i cant bring myself to do it bcz i dont have the guts to. Whenever i feel upset, the only thing that brings me peace is the thought of me not existing. I have tried to maintain a good relationship w my parents but it's honestly impossible. We argue everyday, constantly, it's so exhausting. My mother has said sm disgusting words to me and expects me to move on. Bcz of her I developed an eating disorder. I dont feel loved.