i dont really know what to do with myself

i just read some of yalls stories and stuff on the page, it just makes me feel like shit. im so sorry about all the stuff going on. its not your fault but it makes me feel like i have nothing to complain about. and i dont, really. i have a family who are sticking together, my parents are alive, i have some friends, im healthy. but still i cant help but feel like shit. i hate myself. i hate my ugly face that i have to see every single day when i look in the mirror, and every time it makes me want to throw up. i hate my body and the way i feel after eating. i want to vomit all the shit i devoured today, i hate how i think about calories and i hate how i can feel every bite i take just adding to the fat in my body. i cant stand myself. i dont even want to get better, i just want to give and get worse. ive been feeling this way since october of 2020. thats when i first tried self harming. sometimes it gets better and i feel okay for some times, some months maybe. but every time it gets worse, its like it gets a million times worse than my last depressive episode. there have been so many times when ive seriously considered suicide. and i still want to do it. i want to self harm, i want to see it all. i cant do it on my arms because its summer, and my mom could know. i cant risk it. i cant wait for it to get colder so i can do it again. this time i want to die. i want to talk to someone, i want to open up and i just need someone to listen. i dont want or need help, im okay really. i just want to be heard. a part of me wonders if i am faking it all, if i just want attention. but only my closest friends know and have seen my scars. is there something wrong with me? im so annoying to look at. im so annoying to talk to. im not a good person. i just signed in this website, so i dont know if people usually reply to these vents, but i wish someone would reply to this, just so i know that someone, anyone has read this. bye. i hope u r ok ❤