i just genuinely need to vent, maybe give me an advice if you have one

I’ve lost my dad recently
i blame myself for it even though I’ve been told it wasn’t my fault, i kind of know it wasn’t but deep down i feel like the reason he passed is somehow linked to me and that if i had done things differently that one specific day he would’ve still been here
i grew up very attached to him because I’ve lost my mother at a very young age, him and i were really close
i cant deal with my emotions and I can’t picture myself growing up or being here in a few years anymore
not because im suicidal, im not suicidal but i just dont see a future ahead of me
i dont feel anything other than deep sorrow and anger at everything in life i cant get over anything in my life anymore
I’ve tried putting a strong front in front of people
I can’t even cry about it, i dont know why but i try to cry thinking it’d make my chest feel a little lighter but it never happens
i feel alone and i dont feel like i have anyone to care for or be taken care of by
i have a younger step brother whom im also close to but i still dont feel like he needs me or that him being in my life would make anything better
i dont even know how to explain how i feel the way it feels inside me
and i have no one to talk to about these things in real life
and im so insanely hurt and i cant even get it out of me
i envy everyone i see especially people in my own family who seem to be doing a lot better than i do
i feel anxious and bad and im so guilty but i dont even know what im anxious about i dont know whats going on i feel like there is a lot of unsaid words in me and a lot of feelings, really bad feelings that i cant translate or find a reason to
im literally so worried about being stuck like that i dont even know how to live my day anymore everything makes me feel weird and uncomfortable im very uncomfortable in my skin and i hate everything around me
i dont do anything good anymore
i dont even play my favourite hobbies or sport or anything anymore or care about meeting people or anything anymore
the things he introduced me to that used to feel so special dont feel special anymore now that im unable to enjoy them like i did
i feel so stuck in whatever im in right now and i dont know what to do or how to help myself
i wanna ask for help but i dont know how, i dont know if i even have a reason to or an explanation on what kind of help i need

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Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

It's common to blame oneself when a person we loved very much passes. It wasn't your fault and it would have happened anyway sooner or later, you can't control or overpower death. ❤️

You're in a grief process now and it can seem like you're not yourself or you think you react in ways that are wrong, but there's no wrong way to grief. ❤️

You're probably in shock still and it's why you can't cry. Grief is a lonely feeling so it's natural to feel lonely. It's also not unusual to isolate while grieving but try to reach out to people, you can grieve without completely stopping your life.

Last but not least. My great condolences. I can see how much he meant to you. ❤️

idksomeone222 · 16-17

@Queendragonfly thank you so much, i really do appreciate your words and thank you for the advice <3

Iwantyourhotwife · 22-25

We are human. It is understandable when you lose someone dear that it shakes across every fabric in your life. I lost someone dear to me and I found I couldn't enjoy things for some time. It slowly comes back after you process things and it takes time

Just remember that humans are meant to heal. The same way when you get a cut on your hand, you don't rush to the hospital, your body heals naturally, that's exactly how your mind heals as well. It takes time and the best way to let muddy water clear up is to have it sit still. So have patience and allow yourself to feel how you feel. Do not fight it. I admire your self-respect for your image to put up a front for other people but it's not about them. It's you.

Everything you described sounds like someone in deep emotional pain. That's understandable.

It's okay to be hurt. Let yourself be hurt. You're not wrong for it and you're not wrong for your father's passing. It was not in your hands and you clearly did not want that, so be gentle and know that we do not control this world. Have gladtidings knowing that the pain goes away and soon after a period of experiencing hardships, you'll be okay amd begin to experience ease as you readjust. And if it's not okay, you can make it okay :)
There is more than hope. But sometimes we go through these tough times. You're not alone. Just hang in there and be strong and seek guidance and truth. You'll make it through and you've done a remarkable job expressing yourself

SnailTeeth · 36-40

Depending on where you live, there are a lot more social support systems for younger people, esp. when it comes to getting a post-secondary education.

The best you can hope to do is find counselling, piece your confidence/self-esteem back together, and Just put one foot in front of the other.

Friends, family, those are important anchors for stability and building your own tribe/family.

Get counselling. Call a hotline. Go to emergency if you need. They'll understand this depression better than I can.

You took a major blow to your life, and it would be traumatic for anyone.

You lost some limbs, and it's not apparent, but it's important.

I would recommend...

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (start there tonight if you want)

Action Commitment Therapy

Lots of walks, find positive habits. Learn to cook. Learn everything.

Listen to your feelings. Learn to work with and find space for them. It's not about feeling good all the time, it's about feeling at peace even when we feel torn up.

Fall in love with every moment, because your life is precious. You just as easily be as important as your parents one day, but to someone else. You could easily be that right now.

Suicide is like a blackhole that opens up and swallows tons of things with it. It's natural to feel the way you feel. Your parents did good. Keep that going. The habit of being good isn't always easy, but it always pays-off.

Dontwant2beknown · 13-15

I am so sorry for your loss, I can’t even imagine the pain. I am also very close to my dad. I just don’t have any words I’m so sorry. I was told to remember the good times you had with the people you’ve lost and surround yourself with other good people you trust. Take back your daily good habits and remember that he loved you. I hope you find a good space and time to both cope and mourn. I hope everything works out for you, I really do

Pfuzylogic · M

You are not responsible at any level. Your feeling may come from your need for him. The tears of grief will come when you are relaxed and feel safe to let go. For now understand that your experience of holding in is a way of protecting ourselves.,He knew you loved him.
That is what is important.

AntisocialTroll · 56-60, F

I'm so sorry you feel this way but I completely understand "where" you are coming from.

Could you perhaps get some grief counselling in your RL?

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