I don't wanna be alive anymore.

I feel guilty and disgusting I relapsed today I was clean for a month . I feel so shitty I hate it so much, I can't eat or get out of bed anymore. I try to force myself to get out of bed to take my siblings to school and to pick them up but I can't anymore I hate everything. I'm going through all this at 11years old and it's exhausting. I have to worry about homework my siblings and trying to hide my cuts. My mom knows I cut myself and she doesn't even comfort me. She slapped my wrist an asked if I wanted attention then she had the audacity to call me an attention seeker. I hate her so much, my auntie(her sister) found out I cut and she let me cry on her and she hugged me and comforted me she's like a mom to me I love her. But I feel so guilty calling my auntie a mom and feeling more comfortable around her because I don't feel comfortable around my real mom and I don't love her like I love my auntie. I know she's trying her hardest to help us but sometimes she goes to far. She threatened to take me to a hospital for my mental health I told her "that's obviously what I need" then she just walked off. I know she's obviously gonna see this since my Gmail is on her phone. But I don't care I want her to see this because she's doesn't know how much I'm in pain and how much I HATE myself and my god damn life.