I'm at my fucking limit being alone all the time
Hello, my name is Aero, I'm 21 years old and i go to college for biology. I honestly just need to talk about this because i havent been able to tell anyone else about it because i really just dont want to bother them with it, but if i dont ill probably, like, explode lol.
I suppose ive always felt this way, but more recently ive been so incredibly relentless over just how lonely i am. I have no freinds ar school, i come home to nobody, mostly cause nobody is even there and the people that are home are too busy to really care. I could go into my family, but its the classic dysfunctional mess, my brother is almost 30 years old and he still lives with us and all he does is play video games all day in our basement. For real i thought that basememt dwellijg bull shit was just an internet joke, i didnt think thatd be real,a slightly abusive father, or at the very least he's got a bajilloon issues that he doesnt seem to want to work past. Everyone else is fine, but theyre just never around. Me and my best friend do go to the same school but my classes are in the day and hers are at night, so i never get to see her. All i know is for most times oj most days i barely even feel like I exist. I hardly even beleive im human because if i were id be like everyone else. Id be able to go out and talk to people, id be able to have fun at parties, id be able to communicate with people, look them in the eye, tell them what i mean and how i feel. And if i was a person then everyone woukd actuallt respeft what i say, thyd actually ask what i think about something, but when something happens, when theres s big fight or anything in ny house nobody ever ever ever asks how I feel about it. How can i be a person if im so invisible nobody could even acknowledge i exist, if i have friends or really just one, then why isnt she here with me when i need her? I dont even know if i could even describe this feeling, type it all out and make it make sense. I just need someone to be there for me, someoke who can actually see me as person. Im so desperste for that shit that my last relationship wss built on straight up fear and abuse but i didnt say anything about it for fear that theyd hurt them selves, id have to say at least 30 percent of the reason i got with them was simply because they were just available. Thats all it takes for me, you wanna win my stupid dumb heart over? Just show up! I dont care if you're emotionally immature and manipulative, i dont care that you wont care about how i feel, i just need you to be present, thats it. Thats how low the bar is. I need someone to see me as a person and just be here, but thats unrealistic because im entering into the stage of life where everyone id going off doing their own things, but im stuck behind. There is this one guy who i for the life of me can never stop thinkijg about, hes my best friend but he lives all the way on the other side of the world. His mannerisms, his voice, his compassion, it makes me hesd over heels i just can't take it. I just wish he was around more often too, but itd never work out. In my expeirence online relationships are a sham. But there isnt anythijg i want more than to be in his embrace. Were a little flirty as far as best friends go. We've lightly touched on the idea of us being together, but its probably not something i need right now, or something thats possible. But still, i want nothing more than to just be with him, hold him, give him ghe biggest hugs ever, kiss his cute face, and just live life with him.
Academically im fine, i do well in my classes, honestly school is kind of an escape for me. Maybe this probably isnt a good thing, but i dont really do much other than do school work, go on walks, and watch stupid videos online, like, that's kinda been my whole life lately. I mean, depression really fucks with your love of things. One day youre reslly into embroidery and then the next you couldnt have even imagined you liked it. I jsut have ver little joy in anything, the only thing i feel any sort if happiness from is my friends and getting good grades which, yes, i know is a terrible thing to derive happiness from because that means if i do bad on an exam my confidence will plummet and it just wont be good. But i guess that aspect of my ego isnt really in check. I get such a thrill being on top, being better than others, its the only time i ever feel like im important because someone who does well school just has to be important, right? I never boast about it by the way, outwardly im really humble and i love helping people when they need it. In fact i live for that too, the only tine anybody would ever like to talk to the weird kid eho doodles in their notes all day is when they need to get an answer out of them. If i wasnt good at school, id have nothing else.
I could go further but thats about it, thanks for letting my vent, website, thats pretty cool. Also sorry for any typos, I'm doing this on my phone at, like, 5 am lol
I suppose ive always felt this way, but more recently ive been so incredibly relentless over just how lonely i am. I have no freinds ar school, i come home to nobody, mostly cause nobody is even there and the people that are home are too busy to really care. I could go into my family, but its the classic dysfunctional mess, my brother is almost 30 years old and he still lives with us and all he does is play video games all day in our basement. For real i thought that basememt dwellijg bull shit was just an internet joke, i didnt think thatd be real,a slightly abusive father, or at the very least he's got a bajilloon issues that he doesnt seem to want to work past. Everyone else is fine, but theyre just never around. Me and my best friend do go to the same school but my classes are in the day and hers are at night, so i never get to see her. All i know is for most times oj most days i barely even feel like I exist. I hardly even beleive im human because if i were id be like everyone else. Id be able to go out and talk to people, id be able to have fun at parties, id be able to communicate with people, look them in the eye, tell them what i mean and how i feel. And if i was a person then everyone woukd actuallt respeft what i say, thyd actually ask what i think about something, but when something happens, when theres s big fight or anything in ny house nobody ever ever ever asks how I feel about it. How can i be a person if im so invisible nobody could even acknowledge i exist, if i have friends or really just one, then why isnt she here with me when i need her? I dont even know if i could even describe this feeling, type it all out and make it make sense. I just need someone to be there for me, someoke who can actually see me as person. Im so desperste for that shit that my last relationship wss built on straight up fear and abuse but i didnt say anything about it for fear that theyd hurt them selves, id have to say at least 30 percent of the reason i got with them was simply because they were just available. Thats all it takes for me, you wanna win my stupid dumb heart over? Just show up! I dont care if you're emotionally immature and manipulative, i dont care that you wont care about how i feel, i just need you to be present, thats it. Thats how low the bar is. I need someone to see me as a person and just be here, but thats unrealistic because im entering into the stage of life where everyone id going off doing their own things, but im stuck behind. There is this one guy who i for the life of me can never stop thinkijg about, hes my best friend but he lives all the way on the other side of the world. His mannerisms, his voice, his compassion, it makes me hesd over heels i just can't take it. I just wish he was around more often too, but itd never work out. In my expeirence online relationships are a sham. But there isnt anythijg i want more than to be in his embrace. Were a little flirty as far as best friends go. We've lightly touched on the idea of us being together, but its probably not something i need right now, or something thats possible. But still, i want nothing more than to just be with him, hold him, give him ghe biggest hugs ever, kiss his cute face, and just live life with him.
Academically im fine, i do well in my classes, honestly school is kind of an escape for me. Maybe this probably isnt a good thing, but i dont really do much other than do school work, go on walks, and watch stupid videos online, like, that's kinda been my whole life lately. I mean, depression really fucks with your love of things. One day youre reslly into embroidery and then the next you couldnt have even imagined you liked it. I jsut have ver little joy in anything, the only thing i feel any sort if happiness from is my friends and getting good grades which, yes, i know is a terrible thing to derive happiness from because that means if i do bad on an exam my confidence will plummet and it just wont be good. But i guess that aspect of my ego isnt really in check. I get such a thrill being on top, being better than others, its the only time i ever feel like im important because someone who does well school just has to be important, right? I never boast about it by the way, outwardly im really humble and i love helping people when they need it. In fact i live for that too, the only tine anybody would ever like to talk to the weird kid eho doodles in their notes all day is when they need to get an answer out of them. If i wasnt good at school, id have nothing else.
I could go further but thats about it, thanks for letting my vent, website, thats pretty cool. Also sorry for any typos, I'm doing this on my phone at, like, 5 am lol
22-25, T
