I think I know why I never asked anyone for help or told anyone what's going on as a kid...
I was watching this video about an abusive household. One part of the video spoke out to me and made me realize something that happened in my childhood.
When I was a kid, I didn't ask any peers, any teachers, not any adult, for common/normal things, like help with homework, help with schoolwork, what this word meant, what this and that is, etc. I stopped asking my mother for things because whenever my stepdad was within earshot, I would always get scolded for no reason.
I recall getting little scrapes and tiny pricks of blood would come out of my skin. I had asked my mother for bandaids everytime I either bled just the tiniest drops, or when I have scrapes that doesn't make me bleed. Whenever I would ask, I would always get scolded by my stepdad. He kept telling me that it's nothing serious. He didn't say it calmly, he like, scolded me; he'd get angry and yell, "UGH, IT'S NOTHING SERIOUS!!!" Like I was an annoying child, annoying him.
Same year, I guess. I recall pushing a baby scroller, like the big ones, not the ones in the stores in those baby doll boxes. I was pushing it in between my mom's vehicle and a visitor's car. As I was pushing the scroller, I saw that the visitor's side mirror was almost broken off the car, so I tried my very best to avoid hitting the mirror. Twice, I managed not to hit the mirror. Then my stepdad told me to get away from the visitor's car so I won't break the mirror. So I decided to bend what he told me because I wanted to push the scroller regardless of the car having an almost broken mirror. I told myself, "I didn't hit them the other times, so why stop enjoying myself?" (Which would seem like disobedience). I accidentally broke the mirror. I genuinely felt bad and I genuinely felt scared as shit. Stepdad walked in the house to grab his belt and I decided to run when he comes out. We ran around the house for like 2-5 minutes before accepting the fact that I can't run forever. Before long, I ran towards the huge crack in the backyard that opens up to a stream that was drying out. At that moment, I wanted to jump in there, but I didn't want to get hurt. So I cried, surrendering.
The first part of the memory I told, links to another either a year or two ago.
My aunt and cousin decided to take me to Six Flags. We were standing in the very long line to a theater for a glow-in-the-dark dance. We stood there for a very long time and I started to notice something unusual going on with some parts of my body. I shifted, moving one leg after the other, lifting them up and placing them back down on the grown and they started to hurt like hell for me. I lifted up one of my legs to look at the bottom of my foot. I saw that it was reddening. I told my aunt about this and she told me that people do this everyday and that if they can, so can I, then she told me to stop complaining. I complained again and again untik they both had had enough of me and scolded me to stop complaining. I stopped complaining. Years later, at a St. Patrick's Day parade, I started to annoy them with a question that a kid should get answers for asking. It was a word that I didn't know the meaning to. My aunt told me that I know what the word is, when I clearly had no idea what the word is nor its meaning. She never told me and both my aunt and cousin told me to shut up and stop complaining. Getting the vibe that they are annoyed, I became to feel uneasy, so that turned into nervousness and I started to explain why I asked for the definition of that word, then I went on rambling on about something else and that is when they had threatened to take me home, so I shut up completely.
That affected me a lot because it became hard for me to voice negative and honest opinions without trying to sound like I'm complaining. Now, I'm limiting my behavior and trying not to complain as much as I did as a kid. I'm starting to ask questions that I have so I won't be left in the dark about some things.
When I was a kid, I didn't ask any peers, any teachers, not any adult, for common/normal things, like help with homework, help with schoolwork, what this word meant, what this and that is, etc. I stopped asking my mother for things because whenever my stepdad was within earshot, I would always get scolded for no reason.
I recall getting little scrapes and tiny pricks of blood would come out of my skin. I had asked my mother for bandaids everytime I either bled just the tiniest drops, or when I have scrapes that doesn't make me bleed. Whenever I would ask, I would always get scolded by my stepdad. He kept telling me that it's nothing serious. He didn't say it calmly, he like, scolded me; he'd get angry and yell, "UGH, IT'S NOTHING SERIOUS!!!" Like I was an annoying child, annoying him.
Same year, I guess. I recall pushing a baby scroller, like the big ones, not the ones in the stores in those baby doll boxes. I was pushing it in between my mom's vehicle and a visitor's car. As I was pushing the scroller, I saw that the visitor's side mirror was almost broken off the car, so I tried my very best to avoid hitting the mirror. Twice, I managed not to hit the mirror. Then my stepdad told me to get away from the visitor's car so I won't break the mirror. So I decided to bend what he told me because I wanted to push the scroller regardless of the car having an almost broken mirror. I told myself, "I didn't hit them the other times, so why stop enjoying myself?" (Which would seem like disobedience). I accidentally broke the mirror. I genuinely felt bad and I genuinely felt scared as shit. Stepdad walked in the house to grab his belt and I decided to run when he comes out. We ran around the house for like 2-5 minutes before accepting the fact that I can't run forever. Before long, I ran towards the huge crack in the backyard that opens up to a stream that was drying out. At that moment, I wanted to jump in there, but I didn't want to get hurt. So I cried, surrendering.
The first part of the memory I told, links to another either a year or two ago.
My aunt and cousin decided to take me to Six Flags. We were standing in the very long line to a theater for a glow-in-the-dark dance. We stood there for a very long time and I started to notice something unusual going on with some parts of my body. I shifted, moving one leg after the other, lifting them up and placing them back down on the grown and they started to hurt like hell for me. I lifted up one of my legs to look at the bottom of my foot. I saw that it was reddening. I told my aunt about this and she told me that people do this everyday and that if they can, so can I, then she told me to stop complaining. I complained again and again untik they both had had enough of me and scolded me to stop complaining. I stopped complaining. Years later, at a St. Patrick's Day parade, I started to annoy them with a question that a kid should get answers for asking. It was a word that I didn't know the meaning to. My aunt told me that I know what the word is, when I clearly had no idea what the word is nor its meaning. She never told me and both my aunt and cousin told me to shut up and stop complaining. Getting the vibe that they are annoyed, I became to feel uneasy, so that turned into nervousness and I started to explain why I asked for the definition of that word, then I went on rambling on about something else and that is when they had threatened to take me home, so I shut up completely.
That affected me a lot because it became hard for me to voice negative and honest opinions without trying to sound like I'm complaining. Now, I'm limiting my behavior and trying not to complain as much as I did as a kid. I'm starting to ask questions that I have so I won't be left in the dark about some things.
18-21, F