Just me venting about my mom because it's on my mind today 😒 sorry
Idk man, shit just stresses me out. I'm disappointed in my mom but I don't wanna walk away. Which is dumb because she's the one who walked away first.
Never thought about it until lately but I think a lot of my issues with abandonment & attachment are because of my mom. I spent so much of my childhood wishing I could see her again. I never hated her; I was never mad at her. I just missed her.
I remember when I finally got to see her again I refused to get out of her van when she took us back home. I cried & wouldn't get out because I didn't know when we'd see her again. It wasn't like me to act like that but abandonment does that to kids.
I got really close to her when I got older. She was always truthful with me. She always told me I was her favorite. Which felt validating to me because back at home I was the outcast, the one everyone pushed aside because I was too much to deal with.
Out of all my siblings, I formed the closest bond with my mom & that's probably because I'm the only one who actively stayed in her life, talked to her, even lived with her for a short period.
When she started using drugs again I knew. She never admitted it but I wasn't dumb. I grew up in that life, I've seen it all. But I loved her anyway.. I just walked away. I didn't talk to her for years. Until one night when I was alone & I had nobody, nowhere to go. I called her & she answered. She came & picked me up. I cried in front of her for the first time ever as a grown man & she was there for me. For that, I told myself I'd never walk away from her again.
There's a lot of stories I could tell about her... but fact of the matter is that she hasn't been stable for a long time. She's still on/off with drugs, still lives place to place & always changing numbers so it's difficult to keep in touch. But regardless I kept in touch all this time. When she lived an hour away I would still drive all the way out there every week to visit. When I was at my lowest points I would visit 3 or 4 times a week. Almost every day & I think I did that because I craved a mother to be there for me. When I was depressed, I was always thinking about just hugging her & crying in her arms 😔 but I never did. At times I would literally sit in the parking lot before I left her house, telling myself to just go in & hug her but I was afraid to.
I was afraid to be that vulnerable. & I was afraid that if I did it, that would be my goodbye... not just to her but to the world. Idk why I feel that way.
All my siblings have given up on her by now. She has nobody left except my little brother C. He's the one with autism & he's 19 but he still needs her.
I wrote about this before, but in the summer my mom disappeared for about a week. During that week, her apartment was locked up for non-payment & my brother had nowhere to go home to. He was staying with a friend for the time, while my sister & I sent them money.
My mom reappeared but only to pick up C & disappear again. After that, we didn't have contact with C anymore either. Then finally a couple months ago she messaged me to explain everything. It took me days to respond because I didn't know what to say. But even after I responded, she never answered back.
Since then, I really don't know what to say anymore.
I love my mom but I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of wishing she'd be a normal mom & just be there. I'm tired of her just disappearing like that. Disappear on me all you want, I'm used to it. But disappearing on my little brother? The one who actually needs you? Sure you came back & picked him up but you still left him. Just like you left all of us. Over & over.
& Now, I woke up this morning to a new message from her asking "Son, why aren't you talking to me?"
Trust me, she doesn't want me to answer that rn. & I'm not ready for that conversation either.
Because I'm tired of maintaining a relationship with her as if everything's okay. Shits NOT okay anymore.
I'm damaged. I feel alone. I've never had anybody truly be there for me without walking away. Everybody leaves 😔 yet I still try. I still hold on like a dumbass.
People always say "love is not enough" & now I get it. You can love someone all you want. But sometimes that's not enough anymore. I've had to learn that in every relationship I've been in. But thank you Mom, for teaching it to me my whole life 😒
Never thought about it until lately but I think a lot of my issues with abandonment & attachment are because of my mom. I spent so much of my childhood wishing I could see her again. I never hated her; I was never mad at her. I just missed her.
I remember when I finally got to see her again I refused to get out of her van when she took us back home. I cried & wouldn't get out because I didn't know when we'd see her again. It wasn't like me to act like that but abandonment does that to kids.
I got really close to her when I got older. She was always truthful with me. She always told me I was her favorite. Which felt validating to me because back at home I was the outcast, the one everyone pushed aside because I was too much to deal with.
Out of all my siblings, I formed the closest bond with my mom & that's probably because I'm the only one who actively stayed in her life, talked to her, even lived with her for a short period.
When she started using drugs again I knew. She never admitted it but I wasn't dumb. I grew up in that life, I've seen it all. But I loved her anyway.. I just walked away. I didn't talk to her for years. Until one night when I was alone & I had nobody, nowhere to go. I called her & she answered. She came & picked me up. I cried in front of her for the first time ever as a grown man & she was there for me. For that, I told myself I'd never walk away from her again.
There's a lot of stories I could tell about her... but fact of the matter is that she hasn't been stable for a long time. She's still on/off with drugs, still lives place to place & always changing numbers so it's difficult to keep in touch. But regardless I kept in touch all this time. When she lived an hour away I would still drive all the way out there every week to visit. When I was at my lowest points I would visit 3 or 4 times a week. Almost every day & I think I did that because I craved a mother to be there for me. When I was depressed, I was always thinking about just hugging her & crying in her arms 😔 but I never did. At times I would literally sit in the parking lot before I left her house, telling myself to just go in & hug her but I was afraid to.
I was afraid to be that vulnerable. & I was afraid that if I did it, that would be my goodbye... not just to her but to the world. Idk why I feel that way.
All my siblings have given up on her by now. She has nobody left except my little brother C. He's the one with autism & he's 19 but he still needs her.
I wrote about this before, but in the summer my mom disappeared for about a week. During that week, her apartment was locked up for non-payment & my brother had nowhere to go home to. He was staying with a friend for the time, while my sister & I sent them money.
My mom reappeared but only to pick up C & disappear again. After that, we didn't have contact with C anymore either. Then finally a couple months ago she messaged me to explain everything. It took me days to respond because I didn't know what to say. But even after I responded, she never answered back.
Since then, I really don't know what to say anymore.
I love my mom but I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of wishing she'd be a normal mom & just be there. I'm tired of her just disappearing like that. Disappear on me all you want, I'm used to it. But disappearing on my little brother? The one who actually needs you? Sure you came back & picked him up but you still left him. Just like you left all of us. Over & over.
& Now, I woke up this morning to a new message from her asking "Son, why aren't you talking to me?"
Trust me, she doesn't want me to answer that rn. & I'm not ready for that conversation either.
Because I'm tired of maintaining a relationship with her as if everything's okay. Shits NOT okay anymore.
I'm damaged. I feel alone. I've never had anybody truly be there for me without walking away. Everybody leaves 😔 yet I still try. I still hold on like a dumbass.
People always say "love is not enough" & now I get it. You can love someone all you want. But sometimes that's not enough anymore. I've had to learn that in every relationship I've been in. But thank you Mom, for teaching it to me my whole life 😒
