What should I do

I’m having a mental breakdown right now, im in highschool and I feel so worthless.. I get low scores than my friends, and I’m dumber than ever. I wasnt like this before pandemic started, I want to be my old self again the smart one. I want to make myself disappear yet the feeling of me knowing that my parents would hate it and break their heart backs me away from killing myself. But if I kill myself we wouldn’t have financial problems, and i wont have to worry about having to continue the bloodline cause my brother is here. I hope my brother takes care of the family, even though we aren’t close if I die I hope they take care. I dont know what to do right now, mom and dad is having financial problems, we are at the brink of being homeless, and they are still smiling at me. It makes me feel guilty, even if I try my best at school i still can never get into the top 10. I want to die but I cant bring myself to murder me. I want to jump on my school yet I can’t because the feeling inside me that I don’t understand won’t want me to do it, or either I just don’t wanna commit suicide at school because I’ll just create a problem there damn. But I don’t understand why mom and dad loves a failure so much, I hope I’ll make a comeback, so that my goal will be completed before I’ll be gone.

No one asked but here’s my goal :’D
-finish college
-find a job that makes me tons of money
-when i accumulated enough money for my family to live atleast a long time, that’s a time for me to rest now.

I feel kindof better knowing that I typed my problem though.

Ryannnnnn · 31-35, M

They smile at you because they love you and they're happy to have you, which is likely an unimaginable understatement.

Money comes and goes, it'll stabalise again, it was the same for us growing up. A lot of people are feeling the same as you, the pandemic unsettled and disturbed everyone's sense of stability and routine.

You don't have to be in the top 10, you don't stop being intelligent, I get the impression you're having difficulty focusing because of how you're feeling. You're not a failure, you haven't even been alive long enough to be anything approximating that.

I'd have an honest talk with your family about how you're feeling and why, get some catharsis and support, don't hold it in and bare it by yourself like that. It's normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes, we all feel like that, it's those times where you talk to people and be honest, especially your parents.

JPWhoo · 36-40, M

You’re not a failure, and you haven’t really gotten dumber, maybe there’s some obstacle interfering with your learning now that developed while you were away from school. Anyways as long as you’re doing your best that’s all anyone can ask of you. If you end up homeless that’s nothing for you to be ashamed of. You’re so young and you still have such a long way to go. Whatever you do, please don’t hurt yourself!

AbbeyP · 70-79, F

Come on you don’t have to be the brightest and best with tons of money. I’d reset your ambitions. Start with feeling good about the fact you are loved. Many people aren’t.