only read this if you feel like you need to

i’ve recently turned 16. the last few years have been hard. my dad left my mum when i was only six years old. it was just me him, my mum and my sister. he cheated, she stayed, he cheated again. when he left, he tried so hard to keep in touch, we were his little babies. he would do anything for us. my mum then got bad, i always thought she was i’ll, since she never left her room, my aunty came to live with us for three years, i never knew why. my mum was never the same. my dad had a few girlfriends, and none of them seemed to like me. my mum downloaded her wedding playlist on my ipad, it was the only one i was allowed, ive memorised every single song on it, i used to sing it everywhere making my dads new girlfriend uncomfortable, i never knew this. she got pregnant, my dad started to be late and forget days. my aunty went to university and my mum would pick me and my sister up late at school. one night we went to a pub and me and my sister sat in a booth while my mum was drinking till her hearts content. the police was rang and my mum was brought into hospital. me and my sister were sat in the back of a police car holding hands as we got taken to a friends house. after this i’ve never seen her the same. my dad had slowly started changing when the baby was born, me and my sister at the age of 10 and 12 now had to plan when we would see him. when my mum found out the baby was born, she drank. to much. it was a cycle that i thought would end when she met her new guy, and it worked. she stayed sober for 3 years, and we got a new house, fresh start it was starting to look good. my sister was in her teenage years at this point so we didn’t always get on. my dads girlfriend left him and took the baby, i’m now 16 and i’ve not seen her in 5 years. i get sent some pictures and she’s honestly so cute. skip forward a year. i’m 13. my mum is single and decides to have another fresh start, we move to another town, starting a new school , my sister loved it, i didn’t. she still drank constantly and ended up loosing her licence to it. my nana put her into a walk our rehab for 2 weeks and after a month of coming out. she drank again. my dad now has a new partner who’s family hate the fact that he had three other kids and wants to be with their daughter. she’s actually quite young, they all are apart from my mum of which they’re one year apart, her being the older one. as selfish as i sound i prayed that he didn’t have anymore kids, i didn’t want to become a second option again. one monday morning, at 1am my mother came home after going out for drinks on her own with a guy, who she claimed is her boyfriend, he works on the site of which our house was built on, since that night. he’s never left us. i’ve never loved him but at times he treats me like his own daughter ( he can’t have kids ) at times i could actually see him as a dad. my dad had a baby with her, and this was during lockwdown. the priminister said that divorced parents could still see their kids. we didn’t see him for around 1 1/2 years. when we finally met up, it was awkward i felt like i was talking to a stranger. he always blamed it on his “young partner” for the reason of why we weren’t allowed to see him. that lockdown my mum was not sober for one day. she’s been drunk for 4 of my birthdays now. my dad has now got two children with this lady, they repost stories, i’ve not seen him for a whole month and i’ve not even got a bedroom in their brand new big house. my dad makes my sisters boyfriend take us to his house when he can be bothered to see us. my mum had tried to commit twice and me and my sister have been a reason for it, in the letters she’s left. my older sister , nearly 18 had never let me read them but i used to hear her repeating phrases of it to my mum when she refused to wake up and stay in bed for days at a time. my dad treats us like friends, put the blame on us if we don’t plan to see him. i just miss you dad. the dad who would make us his top priority. he doesn’t look happy anymore. i’ve had bad thoughts for nearly 2 years now. i’ve hurt myself countless times, i’ve planned ways to not be here anymore, i’ve written notes, i’ve planned my own funeral countless times, i just can’t do it anymore? i used to get top grades and actually be praised by my family but now it’s all about going out with my friends who don’t even really like me and wasting my work money on drinks and just having fun for the shortest amount of time possible. i’ve spoke to my family about therapists ect. but nothings happened? i really am trying to stay here but i honestly can’t do it anymore? everyone always says you haven’t even lived yet, but watching my parents live makes me never want too. i always promise myself to just see it through but it’s never ending. my relationship with guys always end with me hurt, since i seek my dad in them, i just want attention i just want something that will make me value the world as how i should be. people seem so happy but inside i know that it can’t only be me feeling like this? i oversexulise myself just to get validation since i don’t seem to get it from anyone else, i hate the way i look and i just hate everything about whatever this life i’m living is. i really can’t seem to hold on anymore, i’ve actually come online and searched up free venting😭, i know this sounds pretty desperate and pathetic but i really need someone to be honest and not to be like “it will get better” because i’ve been saying that to myself and it has not. - if you’ve read all of this, thank you very much for hearing my story.