My partner and I rarely have sex

And I’ve expressed to him multiple times that it’s frustrating and I want more sex. His response is that it’s about vibe and mood. He says if I smiled more and was happier then he would want to have sex with me more often. I tell him it’s a catch 22 situation that maybe if we had more sex I would be happy and smile more. We have sex maybe once or twice a month if I’m lucky. Sometimes we go a month or more without being intimate. I’ve asked him before if there was anything he wanted me to do that would be more of a turn on for him like if I should wear lingerie or some thing. He said no he doesn’t want anything. And he told me that he still masturbates occasionally. Which was pretty upsetting to find out because it makes me feel like he would rather go self pleasure then be intimate with me. And it’s not like I am an unattractive person either. I’m in my 30s and in decent shape, I could lose a few pounds but I still look good. My partner is also semi self employed so his schedule is pretty flexible but he is just work obsessed. It’s like he would rather be working and doing research for work then spending time with me or helping rebuild the relationship. I try to get him to do things and spend time with me but he would rather work. I don’t know what to do anymore I feel so stuck

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MartinTheFirst · 26-30, M

Your partner is unwilling to compromise in your relationship, that's literally the nail in the coffin, your relationship is dying, if it's not already dead. If he wants any happiness from the continuation of your relationship then he has to start communicating. The main problem is that he is the one that needs to hear this, not you.

SatanBurger · 36-40, F

@MartinTheFirst Yeah I can't be sure at all because these are strangers on the internet but I know people with narcissistic personality disorders like to withhold sex as a sort of punishment and reward based system. So I hope it's not anything like that but I'm really wary of that.

SW-User

@MartinTheFirst he refuses to communicate with me. I’ve tried to get him to open up to me and he won’t

MartinTheFirst · 26-30, M

@SatanBurger Narcissistic personality disorder is rare, so from a probabilistic perspective I doubt it.

@SW-User @SatanBurger This is common in relationships, it can be either the woman or man, or both who do not understand the importance of scheduling time for intimacy and other forms of time spent together. If you go into a relationship as an adult thinking it'll be like when you were younger and that you'll naturally find time to spend together then you're sorely mistaken, those times will be exceedingly rare. We're so busy that we need a schedule for these things. It can be as simple as agreeing on "on friday nights we turn our phones off and spend it together", or any other day in the week, but you need something like that. If he refuses to communicate then you can not relay these thoughts though. Your best bet is considering couple counselling.

SW-User

@MartinTheFirst sigh 😔 you’re right. I like the idea of trying to schedule time I’ve thought about it before but wasn’t sure if he would be open. And I highly doubt he’d be open to therapy but I can try to suggest that

SatanBurger · 36-40, F

@MartinTheFirst I argue that NPD is more common than one thinks because it's notoriously difficult to diagnose as narcissists typically don't get help in the first place but that's not the point. I like what you said in your second paragraph and agree.

MartinTheFirst · 26-30, M

@SW-User You can start with suggesting a day where you will always try to make time for each other, and if that day when it comes to it is interrupted by an emergency then you have to do it the very next day. If he seems unresponsive then you can suggest therapy, at the very least it will make him understand how serious you are about it, but you have to be serious about it.

MartinTheFirst · 26-30, M

@SatanBurger Personally i believe it's so difficult to diagnose because it's not a real disorder. It's a spectrum that some are higher up on.

SW-User

@MartinTheFirst I like that thank you 🙏 you’re better at relationship advice and working out issues then my partner and he’s 40 🙄

MartinTheFirst · 26-30, M

@SW-User It takes some meditation and self-reflection 😅

SW-User

@MartinTheFirst he meditates and does yoga so idk what his deal is 🤷‍♀️

MartinTheFirst · 26-30, M

@SW-User The wrong form of meditation I suppose.

Notladylike

@MartinTheFirst That’s partially true about NPD. But part of the low prevalence rates is the fact that people rarely seek treatment for it. It’s a cluster B personality disorder and I think we could say it’s possible it would have the same prevalence as BPD. Comes up a lot in family violence dynamics in my experience.

MartinTheFirst · 26-30, M

@Notladylike That is a theory

Notladylike

@MartinTheFirst Absolutely. Backed by ten years of practice based observations 😉

MartinTheFirst · 26-30, M

@Notladylike That really means nothing to me...

Notladylike

@MartinTheFirst I’m sure it doesn’t. Just like arm chair google psychologists mean nothing to me 😂

MartinTheFirst · 26-30, M

@Notladylike wellp