I feel physically and mentally strained and out of control. I was extremely out of line today and I feel like a monster.
To start the day I was tired from not sleeping well the night before. Work was stressful due to the closers doing virtually nothing and being swamped the moment we opened the doors. I was overwhelmed and overstimulated from that alone. I learned my card expired August 2024 and was upset about that as I never got my replacement card in the mail meaning everything bill wise tied to that card I set up to pay was now late. I was mad about paying late fees on my credit card bill, I was freaking out over being late paying my health insurance bill because I don't want to be dropped for a missing payment. Oh let's add to the fact that I am financially struggling because hours have been cut across the board at work for everyone and there is no way I can pay my bills on less than 30 hours a week. I used to get 35+ but now I'm lucky if I get 25. I have been looking for a new job without luck. That adds a whole new layer of stress to my already exhausted self.
I only found out my card was expired because I tried depositing cash at 3 different ATM's and each time the transaction was cancelled. I actually called my bank and was like hey what gives and when I flipped my card over to give the last 4 that's when I got my answer that the card just expired. I do NOT handle stress and frustration well I never could and when pushed to my limit I tend to meltdown. This looks like screaming, pounding my fist on tables, I did punch my bedroom door at home but luckily there isn't any damage. When I was driving I was driving erratically because that's something that happens when a meltdown happens and I so happen to be behind the wheel. I was zooming and driving like a jerk to the bank I admit. I was so angry and so upset my chest actually hurt and I was shaking and felt lightheaded. I thought I was going to pass out especially because my vision went fuzzy for a second. I get to the bank sign my name into the waiting list and slam the pen down and sped walked to a chair and just tried to keep cool to not shout at someone who didn't deserve it. Everything got sorted out and I was able to get a new card and my bills are now paid. I left happy but still felt shaky and sick. Leaving the lot some teen boy almost hit my car when I had the right of way. He was cutting through not caring and I honked at him to say hey I have the right of way please stop don't hit my car. He got in front of me then flipped me off repeatedly which set me off once again. I rolled down my window and screamed F YOU F YOU I HOPE YOU DIE F YOU, YOURE THE PROBLEM. I was screaming as loud as I humanly could. I nearly put the car in park and got out. I wanted to hurt this kid I wanted to hurt him bad. My body was shaking and my chest began to hurt even more as I was screaming. I felt my heart rate surge and I felt like I was going to pass out because I was so upset. Normally I don't get violent towards others normally I tend to hurt myself. Something like this has happened in the past only one other time in my mid 20s.
I know this is all mental health related because I saw it in my eyes. My pupils were very dilated earlier when I was upset and angry. My eyes looked shiny and my pupils were huge. Now my pupils are smaller than normal and they still look shiny. They aren't normal. My head hurts, my chest still aches some and I feel extremely drained. I took a nap to feel better but it didn't work I feel tired as ever.
I only found out my card was expired because I tried depositing cash at 3 different ATM's and each time the transaction was cancelled. I actually called my bank and was like hey what gives and when I flipped my card over to give the last 4 that's when I got my answer that the card just expired. I do NOT handle stress and frustration well I never could and when pushed to my limit I tend to meltdown. This looks like screaming, pounding my fist on tables, I did punch my bedroom door at home but luckily there isn't any damage. When I was driving I was driving erratically because that's something that happens when a meltdown happens and I so happen to be behind the wheel. I was zooming and driving like a jerk to the bank I admit. I was so angry and so upset my chest actually hurt and I was shaking and felt lightheaded. I thought I was going to pass out especially because my vision went fuzzy for a second. I get to the bank sign my name into the waiting list and slam the pen down and sped walked to a chair and just tried to keep cool to not shout at someone who didn't deserve it. Everything got sorted out and I was able to get a new card and my bills are now paid. I left happy but still felt shaky and sick. Leaving the lot some teen boy almost hit my car when I had the right of way. He was cutting through not caring and I honked at him to say hey I have the right of way please stop don't hit my car. He got in front of me then flipped me off repeatedly which set me off once again. I rolled down my window and screamed F YOU F YOU I HOPE YOU DIE F YOU, YOURE THE PROBLEM. I was screaming as loud as I humanly could. I nearly put the car in park and got out. I wanted to hurt this kid I wanted to hurt him bad. My body was shaking and my chest began to hurt even more as I was screaming. I felt my heart rate surge and I felt like I was going to pass out because I was so upset. Normally I don't get violent towards others normally I tend to hurt myself. Something like this has happened in the past only one other time in my mid 20s.
I know this is all mental health related because I saw it in my eyes. My pupils were very dilated earlier when I was upset and angry. My eyes looked shiny and my pupils were huge. Now my pupils are smaller than normal and they still look shiny. They aren't normal. My head hurts, my chest still aches some and I feel extremely drained. I took a nap to feel better but it didn't work I feel tired as ever.
36-40, M
