Love deepens in times of pain. Yet there’s so many who try to avoid that. As a result they end up with no love for life.

@WhateverWorks I think you’re right. When I say “love deepens in times of pain” part of what I mean is that you can’t appreciate the easy times without the hard. Does this mean you should willingly suffer those who make your life miserable? No, but it does mean you should willingly suffer them because it’s not miserable. If it is, then you’re one of the people avoiding and should tend to your own pain before minding anyone else’s. So I’m happy whenever I see someone doing exactly that.

Eh.. i’m getting the impression we’re not actually agreeing here. Gotta tell you, that is an interesting way of shaming people for having healthy boundaries and furthering the unhealthy message that ‘really loving someone’ means letting them hurt you or there’s something flawed with you for not enduring it. Someone who has avoidant coping mechanisms avoids the discomfort of conflict. That is very different then someone who *asserts a healthy standard for how others are permitted to treat them. In order for someone to maintain boundaries is kind of the opposite of being avoidant because it requires various degrees of friction and communication on a regular basis. @Reject

@WhateverWorks I fail to see where I said you can’t set healthy boundaries.

@Reject

[quote]Does this mean you should willingly suffer those who make your life miserable? No, but it does mean you should willingly suffer them because it’s not miserable. If it is, then you’re one of the people avoiding [/quote]

@WhateverWorks Okay, and that does not mean I discourage healthy boundaries.

But if someone is having healthy boundaries then that means they are not willfully being a recipient to whatever someone ‘they love’ throws at them. They would be considered ‘avoidant’. @Reject

@WhateverWorks That’s true. Yeah. Wether they’re avoidant or not depends on their reasons. Not all boundaries are healthy. In my example, that would be an unhealthy reason.

@Reject that’s true, which is why I have consistently used the language ‘ healthy boundary’. To get specific, healthy boundaries look like someone not hurting themselves or letting others hurt them, which by the logic you’re presenting, means that unless they are a willing recipient of mistreatment then… they are an avoidant person who doesn’t ’really love’ the other person?

@WhateverWorks I didn’t say ever that you or anyone should be a willing participant of mistreatment for any reason, love or otherwise. Nor did I say that unless you are, you’re avoidant. You made that up with your interpretation of my words.

@Reject i’m just trying to make sure that I’m understanding you correctly because it’s a pretty big claim

[quote]Love deepens in times of pain. Yet there’s so many who try to avoid that. As a result they end up with no love for life.[/quote]

If this person isn’t doing anything to hurt them then where would the ‘pain that deepens love’ be coming from for example?

@WhateverWorks Oh wow, you’re finally going to ask me what I actually meant instead of making more straw men to put words on my mouth? Why didn’t you start with that? Instead you accused me of shaming people. You haven’t respected me here because you assumed that I was being disrespectful. What reason do I now have to think you won’t keep acting this way no matter what I say? I’m not interested in conversing with personal agendas against me. That goes nowhere, so you know something? I can’t say I care to explain myself to you at all anymore. You can go ahead and continue to think whatever you like about me because at this point I couldn’t care less.

I never said anything about you personally. I didn’t disrespect you just because I disagree with your premise about love and loving somebody.

[quote]Does this mean you should willingly suffer those who make your life miserable? No, but it does mean you should willingly suffer them because it’s not miserable. If it is, then you’re one of the people avoiding and should tend to your own pain before minding anyone else’s.[/quote]

You state that if someone is doing something that hurts you to endure, so you don’t allow it to continue then the problem is that you’re an avoidant person and need to go work on yourself —because if you really love them then ?you’d be more resilient?
—the pain should be accepted as ‘part of loving someone’
—and to rebuke this idea is why people aren’t having successful relationships.

At any rate, I won’t bug you about discussing this topic anymore. I agree it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

@Reject

@WhateverWorks Thank you.