Christ. You are old to be feeling this way. Go get help. Go to your family doctor. Tell him or her how you feel. They will recommend treatment. Or go to your local hospital. The Emergency Department. Tell the psych doctor. He or she will recommend treatment. We cannot solve your life here. I am giving you my best advice. From a healthcare viewpoint. And from a person who hears you. Now go today. Go now. Only you can change you.