I Think About Death
I am still taking my meds first of all, but it seems like the only thing they are doing these days is helping me gain weight.
I just want to die and my "boyfriend" says he wants to die too but did not respond to my suicide pact idea.
The meds are not helping anymore and perhaps I should just go back to my doctor, but here I am again, feeling like there is just nothing that can be done about my hormone problem and either I live like this or just die, where death looks pretty peaceful compared to living like this.
I am not looking for sympathy, kind of just wanted to get all this out of me so I might feel better for a while.
My desire to die is pretty strong right now, it is overwhelming me and I can't think of anything else. I love those who wonder who would go to their funeral. I will be dead, I won't care, I do care, however, about the financial burden I will be putting on my loved ones, for a funeral I don't even want, they could dump in a dark alley after, for all I would care. The whole funeral and traditions that come along with it is so over-rated.
One of my thoughts is about dying in the ocean, then it may be taken care of except if my dead body washed up on shore, and my damn prints are in the system.
Another thought is to crawl off in the woods somewhere and just die. Missing person-forever.
Either way I need to take care about my personal effects before I go. I think about this a lot. I still need to get my phone off of auto draft, I did finally get the light bill off of paperless billing. I need to make a hard copy of all my passwords and accounts so after a while certain people can take care of those things. I have a lot of things to do before I go and that is where my thoughts need to be right now, down-sizing, etc. My biggest concern is the burden of my death for loved ones. Then I know they will miss me and be heart broken, but they have to know how bad it is for me, I don't keep it a secret. They all know I have hormonal issues, they do not know how I want to resolve those issues, though, or at least how close I am to actually doing something about it. Just talk for now though, js.
I just want to die and my "boyfriend" says he wants to die too but did not respond to my suicide pact idea.
The meds are not helping anymore and perhaps I should just go back to my doctor, but here I am again, feeling like there is just nothing that can be done about my hormone problem and either I live like this or just die, where death looks pretty peaceful compared to living like this.
I am not looking for sympathy, kind of just wanted to get all this out of me so I might feel better for a while.
My desire to die is pretty strong right now, it is overwhelming me and I can't think of anything else. I love those who wonder who would go to their funeral. I will be dead, I won't care, I do care, however, about the financial burden I will be putting on my loved ones, for a funeral I don't even want, they could dump in a dark alley after, for all I would care. The whole funeral and traditions that come along with it is so over-rated.
One of my thoughts is about dying in the ocean, then it may be taken care of except if my dead body washed up on shore, and my damn prints are in the system.
Another thought is to crawl off in the woods somewhere and just die. Missing person-forever.
Either way I need to take care about my personal effects before I go. I think about this a lot. I still need to get my phone off of auto draft, I did finally get the light bill off of paperless billing. I need to make a hard copy of all my passwords and accounts so after a while certain people can take care of those things. I have a lot of things to do before I go and that is where my thoughts need to be right now, down-sizing, etc. My biggest concern is the burden of my death for loved ones. Then I know they will miss me and be heart broken, but they have to know how bad it is for me, I don't keep it a secret. They all know I have hormonal issues, they do not know how I want to resolve those issues, though, or at least how close I am to actually doing something about it. Just talk for now though, js.
51-55, F
