I have always said that the only person who ever truly broke my heart was my mother.

I never imagined I would have to endure a deeper emotional turmoil than the one I faced in my youth and survived through. I was wrong. She managed to break it again. And though this time there was no intention behind it, that offers me no comfort. Loved or unloved, people are ultimately driven by their own relationship with themselves not with you. A truth I admit with sorrow.

The first time, I lost a mother. The second time, I lost a child.

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alan20 · M

My mother was consumed by selfishness and possessiveness. It took me a long time to realise that the part she played in destroying the relationship I had with my first girlfriend was down to this and not the extreme form of religion she constantly preached. Some years after my marriage to another I happened to meet up with my original soulmate again, through us both having joined a ramblers' group ; we were both keen to keep our marriages going but secretly planned some time together under cover of the ramblers. By an extraordinary fluke my super-religious mother found out and actually blackmailed me. She'd keep quiet about it to my wife if I'd agree to take herself for a holiday to Spain first. It finally woke me up to her hypocrisy and stop-at-nothing approach when her own interests were involved. Chilling.

Miram · 31-35, F

@alan20 Not sure I understand this well. You're saying you were going to cheat on your wife?

alan20 · M

@Miram I'm not a physical person . Sensuality for me is mainly about spending time with someone you empathise with.

Miram · 31-35, F

@alan20 Okay but then can still be seen as cheating. Which is why it could be used against you.

My father was a psychopath, convicted and diagnosed. He played mind games with us all the time. Everything was war strategy and tactics. I learnt early on if you strip yourself from shame your opponent can't undignify you. I hope that makes sense. I am sorry your mother was horrible human being. She could have embraced you, even if she were sslfish, she could have done better for you so you can do good for yourself.

LadyGrace

@alan20 I'm sorry to say this but any person like her, that claims to be a christian, is only playing the part. A person who loves and follows the Lord would never treat someone like this.

alan20 · M

@LadyGrace Thank you. I always hesitate to narrate such things, partly because I am my mother's son, it took me a long time to really come to terms with the truth, and I doubt if much of it has not rubbed off on me. To give one example other than her successfully destroying the one real loving relationship I've had in my life. During term holiday time and unending vicious rows when priests for instance allowed themselves to be used by her, I determined on return to college not to phone home for some time. One day I was summoned to the college secretary to break what he thought was bad news. He'd been informed that my father had just died from a heart attack. I subsequently established the story had been made up by her in an attempt to force my hand over the phoning. I'd hesitate to definitively decide that was evil in the Christian sense of the word, but I found it chilling.